"...just tickling the frogs..."

That "tickling the frogs" phrase was used by a young female celebrity in a recent interview I heard. It was her reference to all the one night stands she's doing on her way to someday finding "Mr. Right." Her implication was, of course, that her many sexual experiences--her "promiscuity"--will eventually lead her to the "right guy."
I believe she's got good intentions. Her response was a friendly, spontaneous statement made in a very impromptu T.V. interview format. She gave her viewing audience a glimpse "behind the curtain" into her personalized plan for finding her "Mr. Right."

Clearly, the West's 21st Century's Romance Development "plan" for finding and enjoying a mutually committed relationship doesn't offer a Gold Medal recipe. If there's any type of protocol for the process and spirit behind today's behavior it may be well-defined in phrases like, "If it seems right...do it," "To each his own," "Practice makes perfect," "Whatever floats your boat," "Different strokes for different folks," or, "Just makin' my way as best I can," etc.

But do you, like me, find it curious that THE process for finding a durable, satisfying relationship with the opposite sex is a mystery? We get the distinct impression that finding a mate is a new and recent phenomenon--something so new that we've not yet figured it out completely. Sure, I agree that the "opposite sex" is typically viewed mysteriously by it's counterpart, but that's not what we're talking about here. The implied assumption in all this is that there is no proven, fail-safe perspective or process for lovers to find real confidence or security in the courtship--it's an every man or woman for herself situation.

OK, I can understand why and how that kind of thinking might be necessary on the deck of the sinking Titanic, but it makes no sense when we're discussing an issue that's part of the bedrock of civilizations, of marriage, family, and of cultures in general. This is stuff that's been unquestionably common experience for a long, long time. So, let's get real! The actual reason we're told finding our "Mr or Mrs. Right" is a 21st Century mystery process lies in the fact that "forces in our society" actually want it that way." Mystery in dating and romance serves some personal, commercial, political, or institutional purpose; somebody benefits from the inherent confusion!

Do you remember how the Wizard's "power" was broken in the movie, The Wizard of Oz? Take a lesson from the movie, then don't allow yourself to be fooled. There is no mystery when it comes down to an appropriate protocol for finding your own Mr. or Mrs Right. An adventure? Yes. A quest? Certainly. But must it be a mystery---NO!

The simple tools, insights, and skills in Smarter Romance are all you'll need or want--"frog tickling" is not required. So, whether you're casually dating or you're completely serious to find a committed, durable, mutually satisfying and happy relationship, there are some comparatively simple and time-proven means to make it happen for you.

So, what are your thoughts and questions?

...and until next time have fun, be safe, and be smart!

Dick

So, What Do You Want for Christmas?

Do you have a pretty serious and fun relationship going with a special someone this holiday season? The season's opportunities for special events with your respective sets of family members can provide a real treasure chest of information for both of you. If you're invited into some part of your partner's family festivities, you should consider yourself very fortunate. The dynamics of your partner's family can offer some special insights into the "how" and "why" of your special someone's future holiday plans and experiences--and maybe your own!

While you're there, what should you be looking for; to whom or what should you give any special attention?

So, you might find the suggestions (below) helpful. But, before you attend the event with your partner, be prepared to jot some personal "soon after the event" notes to yourself. These will be valuable to help you remember your specific, personal thoughts and feelings in response to the questions below:

What's the TONE?

• If this is a general family gathering, something your partner's family does every year, observe who attends, what kind of a mood is the family in, and is there any one person, or several people, who seem to set the tone for the rest of the group?
• As best you can, describe the group "tone" you felt. Use your own descriptive words and phrases and be as specific as you can about what you thought you observed and felt.
  
• If some of the family members do not attend, maybe you can get some information--ask some questions--to find out what those family members are doing, or maybe where they are, and whether their absence is unusual--or maybe it's typical for them?
• How well do you feel you "fit" into the tone of this family group--that's to say, if you were able to be around the family watching and listening "like a fly on the wall"--how would the dynamics of this group experience feel to you over time

Where's the LEADERSHIP?

• Who appears to be the principle organizer (or organizers?) of these kinds of events? Is this the same person--or the same people--who seem to set the tone for the group?
• What is your partner's relationship to, and what do you think is the level of comfort your partner has with the organizer(s)?
• Does your partner have a specific role and responsibilities? What are those responsibilities, and does your partner like these responsibilities? How can you tell?
• How well do you think your partner accomplishes those responsibilities?
• If your partner is NOT the organizer--or one of them--do you think the organizer(s) agree(s) with y our partner's assessment of his/her role? do you think the organizer(s) would agree with your assessment of your partner's role? What are your thoughts?

What are the ROLES and RELATIONSHIPS?

• What kind of a role does your partner appear to play in the family, and--as your partner's guest--how does your partner contribute to the tone you believe you hear and feel?
• Are these people in this family group "all alike" or are they all "completely different?" What is your opinion of them as a group? Individually?
• Be yourself; don't be somebody you're not. Engage with people the way you normally do and observe what happens, how people respond to you, and how that feels to you.
• Among the various members of this family group, who do you suspect you can relate to the best? The least? Why? What's going on for you (inside) as you respond to these questions?

OK. Have fun with this. If you do get a chance to attend each others family events...it's even better--icing on the proverbial cake!

I highly encourage you to find some "together" time after the holidays when you two can sit-down and share your respective observations--your answers to these questions--with one another. In and of itself, the experience of your sharing what you saw and felt can be a really valuable experience for your developing relationship. Among other things, it will give you some first-hand insight into each others family and help you sample some of the dynamics there. It can help you explore how you feel about them, personally, and then how well and how comfortably you can discuss your experiences, feelings, and perceptions with one another--as a team. I use the word, TEAM, because it accurately represents what you may become--together--in the not to distant future. (And how does that thought feel to you?)

Until next time...have fun...be safe...be smart!

Happy Holidays!

Running the Bases: Sliding Head-First Into Third!

Are you dating?
Does your dating behavior matter?
Are you, like so many other "players," hitting those high, infield-fly balls, racing around first, and (because of a fielder's error--"thank-you very much!) catching the corner at second to slide safely into third base?!

Let me ask some really basic questions: "What's dating about anyway?" Why do you date and who? How frequently...once a month, twice...once a week or two, three times a week...what? How do you choose? What are your expectations; what do you do; where do you like to go; and who decides? Who approaches who...n'...are there "rules of invitation," who pays for what...why...and..perhaps, what's dating in the big mix of life's "bigger games?"

Last year in an August 20th blog entry I compared dating behavior to a snapshot. I said it's an "in the moment" still picture--of you. Who are you; what do you look like--I mean this from the perspective of people you've dated? I quizzically mused about "tall" people of integrity--or maybe some other kind of person or people of comparatively more questionable integrity than...well...you?

And that kind of inquiry, if you are dating or think you are going to be dating, leads me to make some related observations. For example, we live in this societal age of casual and "comfortable fit," of various forms in "lift" and up-sizing, of gigabytes and werewolf bites; where emphasis is often on stimulating and spontaneity, and on "more" and "longer," and "bigger is better, " and "sick" is exciting and cool! I'm talkin' about hamburgers 'n fries, n' seeing curious couples in tubs, n' jeans, n' flops, n' crocks, about styled undies n' thinner "laps," n' hips, n' wide-screen TV's. Lest we forget, too, how active games are eclipsed by passive gaming--consoles, game boards and joy sticks replace rackets, balls, and neighborhood outside adventures...and as the story goes, we "Wii, wii, wii, wii all the way home." And...if you're a next generation type or a "Y-Gen" ("Millennial"), the newest and fastest work themes you find are, like, "work from home," and driven by "quality of life, " n' by "equal pay for equal work" concerns, and a variety of societal demigods tutored by gymnastical themes of political correctness.

So, that curiously and briefly observed, I think, more now than ever before a dating person needs to ask him or herself, "Who do I want to be?...What's important to me...n' Why? Generational contrasts are to be anticipated. However, there is little question that changes of the past several decades are eroding important gut elements about who we are--or were--as a society and, consequently, about who we really want to be, personally and individually.

Of course I'm referring to slow cultural movements observed in characteristic societal markers, like poverty rates, number of single-parent households, crime statistics, divorce rates, high school graduation rates comparing men and women, etc. Upon close inspection these reveal some fundamental deterioration in who we've been and where we're going now as a society. These statistical markers reflect changes in some important elements of our cultural soul that, by general agreement, have historically contributed to make us--as a society-- a tall, handsome, muscular, athletic, and respected member of the global community. Frightfully, now, we're becoming the shadow of our former "self;" we are served anxiously and temporarily by our historical reputation. All of us, parts of the contemporary societal whole, are both influenced by and potentially influencing this continued deterioration--this cultural slide.

So, I ask, who are you? If you're a teen, a young adult, or a seasoned vet now returning to the dating game again, when it comes to something as supposedly innocent and insignificant as your dating behavior (yes, you're just one person among so many millions), are you a "Giver, Taker, or some Other Kind of..." romancer? Are you lucky and s-l-i-d-i-n-g? Believe me, it matters--and a lot more than you may want to know or believe!

Revisiting those original questions I asked, above, "What's dating about anyway?" Why date and who does it? How frequently...once a month, twice...once a week or two, three times a week...what? Who do you date and how do you choose? What are your expectations; what do you do; where do you like to go,and who decides? Who approaches who...or...are there "rules of invitation," and who pays for what...why? I challenge you to make all those questions fit into a package and a purpose for you that's about your personal character development and future success--"muscle building" and personal growth of the HIGHEST ORDER. Believe me, it is contagious--a good infection that our entire Western society needs to be re-exposed to--and catch! Ker-chew! You'll be glad you did; you'll accrue handsome and tall benefits for the rest of your life.

That's Smarter Romance for now. Be good. Be safe. Be smart!

Dick

For the Parents of Dating or "Wanna-Be" Dating Teens

Let's face it, there really is a lot about the contemporary dating scene that makes parents of dating teenagers nervous. For moms and dads with dating-aged children, nervousness quickly becomes an "occupational hazard." Just rehearse, for example, some of the provocative themes and posturing featured in any given week's television sitcoms---ugh, there's justified angst for sure! If you're like me, you can painfully picture your Johnny or Suzie dating "like that" and you pray, "Oh God, help us!"


So, what else do you do? Consider some helpful suggestions:

• Don't let em date until their "old enough" (whatever that means?)! Check out this helpful site and let me know what you think. (Click)
  
• "Sign them up" and require their card-carrying commitment to a local "Why Wait" support group--or maybe you can help start one! (It's a great resource that I can heartily recommend. This specific connection (above) is through Inter Varsity Christian Fellowship.)
  
• Introduce your teens to "Wait Training." It can help you help your teens to prayerfully co-enlist some similar and over-lapping commitments to the variety of collaborative concepts and principles "out there" for dating and courtship.
• Invest yourself in the resources of your local church. You're not alone when it comes to answering these questions and identifying some helpful resources. If your church does not offer resources of this nature, I suspect there are churches in your area that do. Discuss this with your pastor or priest. Churches and pastoral teams will often work collaboratively to support congregational needs, so make your inquiries.
• If your teens--or maybe you--are not church oriented per se, review the resources you will find through, for example, Smart Marriages and various national consortium (like Parents For Parents). I offered a site, above, but here it is again....(Click).
  
• Finally, keep in mind that these very helpful programs and resources, for the most part, will not necessarily provide your teen a routine dating paradigm. Please permit me to be painfully realistic here. The world around them, as frustrating as this may be for parents, will still try to provide that paradigm for your teens--and they will remain very tempted to buy into it! Consequently, you can help them get the customizing tools they need--tools that will help them confidently mold their dating attitude, expectations, and habits around their personal (and sometimes peculiar?) styles and values. That's huge...and it's what Smarter Romance is all about.

Right now the manuscript, Smarter Romance, is available to you as a PDF ($15). I will email it to you at your request. (You'll find a description of its contents...click here.) I am available for seminars and tutorials. Call and/or email me. I'm happy to help.

Helen Keller had it right when she said, "Many persons have the wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose."

OK. That's Smarter Romance for now. Remember, you can help your teens have fun, be safe, and be smart.

Dick
email: smarterromance@gmail.com

Your Dating Experiences--A Snapshot of Your Integrity?!

Ok. So how do you really know yourself? Are you a person of integrity whose thoughts and commitments are based on something that is solid? Yes--No--What? Is there something that makes you confident, that makes you sure and secure about your personal integrity? Have you ever tested your integrity or found yourself in situations that help you know the "solid" something within you really is a dependable anchor? If that's the case then you know it's there and that it's going to be strong in the moments or seasons when temptation and compromise scream in your face, "Run! Cave-in. Fudge it." Then, again, maybe you've found yourself in those situations and come away feeling like a real Sh-muck?!

As I was discussing in the previous blog, we can have many distractions and a lot of stuff going on all around us, but if we've got a character anchor we can still be "solid" people. There's no doubt that we can be men and women of integrity regardless of the mesmerizing, toxic or corrosive messages all around us. We all know stories of men and women with real solid character who live or lived around us, near, or at some distance--"Tall" people. Smarter Romance, in part, is about developing those skills. It will help you design and build your interpersonal character in a way to anchor and then provide valuable support for your dating life in particular.

A Smarter Romance (SR) gives you a compass and some navigational tools. These can move you toward a confident relational future and, eventually, a solid marriage relationship. That's not magic. It's not something that "just happens some day to two people in love "... and who then walk happily ever after toward the setting sun." Not. Great dating experiences and, eventually, happy marriages are the direct results of good plans executed by people who gradually and skillfully made them a reality. That's pretty much the way it works, but these kinds skills spill many benefits into our lives in a variety of other ways, too.

If you're in the Denver area and you want to know more about SR--maybe you would like to attend a seminar, get more information in general, get your hands on the book, or set-up an informal dialogue with me, just drop me a note (email: smarterromance@gmail.com) or respond with a comment (see below). If you are out of state, but you would like to discuss similar options in your area, please do the same.

In the words of another, "I'll be back," and in the meantime, have fun, be safe, and be smart!

Man-ipulated and Woman-ipulated by "The Force"

If you're like me--I know that what I'm talking about here doesn't discriminate between us--you listen to the radio, you watch TV, and you're on the web. You've probably got a computer at home and some portion of it on you phone. You text mail, email, and probably Tweet, you've probably got a Facebook page (0r maybe a professional page like LinkedIn), you frequent U-Tube and you've got friends and relatives who speak some or all these "languages," too. In your circle of friends you keep each other updated, just like the vast majority of your neighbors and friends out there in what is fast becoming the universal communications loop.

It's great to have all these connections...and maybe a little crazy, too. Because of all these things, and because of the electronic/computer age in general, personal anonymity is very rapidly becoming a thing of the past. Some people think that's great. Other people find it a little scary. Still other people are working to manage it all...working to keep it from getting out of hand for themselves and others too.

If you visit the internet you are constantly bombarded with a visual feast of stimulating images, sounds, and auditory commands. You can't avoid it. Of course you experience the same thing if you watch the TV where you've got headers at the top of the screen crammed with information, the body of the screen focused on what, hopefully, you intended to watch, and there's that "footer" suddenly streaming information across the bottom of the screen about the weather or some other "urgent" breaking news. It's constant.

I enjoy listening to talk radio. But the radio, just like the other media, is crammed with both the things you wanted to hear--what you tuned in to hear--and all that interruption marketing and extraneous information you would prefer to do without. But alas, it's ALL there droning in your ears, as it were, an audio sandwich with that stuff you really want seasoned not so tastefully with ingredients you could care less about.

Whether you like it or not you are dramatically influenced by all those sights and sounds, images, arguments, persuasive efforts, and ideological propaganda. Unless you're an inanimate object, like piece of granite, this stuff touches you. It's there; it's a FORCE intended for "impact." At some level, whether you're aware of it or not, you're being man-ipulated! (OK. Woman-ipulated if you're a gal.) Information about a topic or about a person, whether that information is accurate or not, persuades. It influences a person's perception of that topic or of that person. That's why, for example, attack ads during a political campaign can be so potentially damaging. Half-truths, misplaced emphasis, innuendo...it can be damningly influential even after clarifying information has been provided to exonerate or reconcile listeners or viewers to the truth.

I heard a news story yesterday reporting research that shows women have a greater attraction to men wearing the color red. Across the City of Denver men are suddenly dressing to wear more red. Whether the research is correct or not--it may be a funny hoax!--men are taking full advantage of the news. Maybe you're one of these guys? Admittedly, for me the idea did not go unnoticed.

OK. What's the "so what" of all this? Simply this: what's real? How do you know who you really are? How do you know what you stand for? What's enduring and what's not? How do you know it's not just all that manipulation tugging you this way or that, making you want this, shaping your perspective? How do you know? What you think about dating, romance, the opposite sex, relationships, marriage...where and how did you learn to "think" it? Is the way you think it in your best interests? What makes you sure?

I'll be back. Until then have fun. Be safe. Be smart.

Dick

Inside-Out's Most Contemporary Proponants

It's nearing that time of the year when the clothes start coming off. It doesn't matter whether you're up town or down town or somewhere in mid-town. The phenomenon is the same. In and around university campuses where I've spent much of my childhood and adult life, the spring days on campus find men playing Frisbee or tight-roping in shorts and shirtless. Gals similarly respond to the warming temperatures sun bathing together on apartment balconies. They're found waiting the lines at Starbucks in shorts and a blouse or a sweater top that's "shrunk" up two sizes from the waistline.

These spring events are generations old. I remember seeing similar scenes in 1940's-50's movies with, for example, Clarke Gable and Lana Turner. No big deal. What is new, however (I'll characterize this from my perspective) is a great confusion around what is "female."

Women are being taught they can and should expect to have the freedoms men have always known. They're expecting this, albeit without the "it's a boy!" way of thinking that comes "umbilically" attached to those so-called "freedoms."

Men and women think about who they are and what they do, respectively, very differently. You can't educate or train or otherwise "environate" maleness out of men any more successfully than you can accomplish that same thing with femaleness for women. Nevertheless, the expectation persists. It is marketed and driven by (perhaps?) good intentioned and wishful thinking "scientists," all of whom are card carrying members from a variety of agendas, with social engineering and politically correct goals.

So, what happens when you keep telling a duck he or she is a chicken? You get a really confused duck. You get a duck that tries to be a chicken but isn't wired to do chicken stuff. It's problematic for ducks...and a huge nuisance to other chickens! (see March 22nd's blog)

Consider a few interesting examples:

1. Women are encouraged to be sexually active; postpone or devalue any feeling they might naturally have for commitment to a sexual partner, i.e., "It's purely recreational."
   
2. Women are encouraged to be sexually active and feel little need for concern about any natural consequences (pregnancies) because there are "tools," i.e., birth control pills, "the morning after pill," and abortion if necessary.
   
3. Women are being encouraged to think their costs for health insurance should be exactly the same as men (an idea that is as statistically curious as the statement "Men and women are equally likely to get pregnant").
   

I can list a lot more of these "women are just like men" messages. They come "wrapped" as implicit (implied) and explicit (clearly stated) media-driven packages. Generally all these messages are exactly what they appear to be, driven by questionably good intentioned and wishful thinking "scientists," and proposed by card carrying members from a variety of agendas, with social engineering and politically correct goals.

What's the bottom line to all of this? It's this: Quite generally women don't work that way (click and then borrow this book and go to the chapter starting on p. 189)! So what does that say for men who are often the abusers taking advantage of the innate sensibilities of women? Am I condoning their behavior--their comparative inclination toward what some have described as serial monogamy? NO!

More next time. Have fun. Be safe. Be smart

Outside-In or Inside-Out Dating Relationships?

I've observed how there are basically two ways couples tend to do a dating relationship. Dating relationships develop outside-in or inside-out. They may also be something of a combination of the two. I can tell you right up front that the major difference between the two styles is determined in the way the dating couple becomes physically and/or sexually involved with each other or not. Remember these are broad generalizations, but please consider their merits and tell me what you think.

"Outside-In" dates tend to constructively involve other people--other couples, friends, family members, colleagues and associates, fellow students, etc. These relationships find dating couples doing things that are out in the open; non-secretive. Their dates and developing friendship has a crisp, lightweight feel to the bystander. The dating couple exude an inclusive mutually shared enthusiasm. Their energies radiate a feeling that's celebratory, a message that seems to suggest something like, "Come have fun with us." They cooperatively plan the things they do and their planning becomes a valuable part of their dating experience. Their dates can have a subtle, positive influence on the people around them, i.e., their family members, friends, co-workers, etc., and they collaboratively discuss their experiences for the value such discussion has to help them understand and appreciate, or not, the merits in their continuing the dating relationship.

"Inside-Out" styled dates tend to get predictably and quickly focused on the couple's "one another" experiences. Other people may be included in their dates, but increasingly their presence becomes a tool to initiate their own together time. To the familiar bystander the dating couple's friendship begins to feel exclusive and detached from other people; it may feel heavy and awkward, a "three is a crowd" kind of feeling to friends or family members. Planning is generally and increasingly an unimportant element in their dating experiences since apparently "just being together" is all they really seem to want. Since alone time appears to be one of their constant and major objectives on a date, other people may not be positively or memorably influenced by the dynamics of their developing relationship. Their conversation and discussion, an important pass-time for their early dates, is decreasingly important and marginally meaningful unless it promises future time together doing what they want to do, i.e., being together.

Because both good intended (and not so good intended) men and women initiate dating relationships that start "outside-in," it's muting to the relationship's growth dynamics when their dating behavior turns "inside-out?" There are ALWAYS big downsides to that event.

I'm going to follow-up on this discussion in the next blog.

So until then be safe, have fun, and be smart!

STD's and Pointing The Light?

Yup. Its a Maglight setting on a library stool.

I've been intrigued with flashlights since I was a kid. For me there's always been something about them that is nearly supernatural. Having one in my hand as a boy made me feel like a superhero; I was powerful!

So today I've got my share of flashlights. I've got big ones and small ones, lights that are awkward to carry and some that let me forget I've got one tucked into my pocket. They're all part of what some suggest is my "collection." But that's not really the way I think of it, although I've got a few including flashers and lasers in red and green!

Flashlights do pretty much one thing: they put light where you point it in the darkness. So what's the connection between that idea and Smarter Romance?

You won't have to read very far into the manuscript, Smarter Romance (soon to be available), to hear discussion around how being sexually active in a dating relationship puts the brakes on it's (and your) emotional development. That's the way it works, one of those not so well-advertised facts.

But here's another not so well-advertised fact: There are over 90 million people in the United States infected with Sexually Transmitted Diseases (That's an average of one person in every four!) Can you venture a guess at the average ages of those people infected with STDs in the USA? You probably guessed correctly and women are particularly at very high risk! Overall, our nation has a rate of infection that is THREE TIMES the rate of other so-called developed countries.

Given the dating behavior of contemporary Americans all around you, Smarter Romance will help you build the kind of personal and character strengths into your dating routines and relationships that are comparatively SUPERNATURAL!

So, might I suggest that a flashlight, for kids, is a powerful tool to give them feelings of "supernatural" ability, but Smarter Romance is the real thing. It's WOW powerful; it can actually change people's futures!

Till next time be safe, have fun, and be smart!