Are You Kidding; A Developmental Dynamic in Dating?

As a kid I often visited my mom's parents' home. My sister and I (another brother and another sister came along later) loved to play with my grandparents' latticed room dividers. Grandpa and Grandma kept them against a wall in their living room. Me and my sis would drag them into the center of the room and work to arrange them (I think there were four) into a circle. Then we would sneak inside the circle opening and closing their wooden lattices permitting us to "hide"--we thought of it as our fun fortress.

Shortly following my grandmother's death my wife and I had opportunity to acquire some of those old family heirlooms. Of course I remembered those room dividers and fancied the idea of their being in my own home where my children could play with them as I had done. You can imagine my great surprise--and disappointment--to realize that the experience I remembered as a child was very different from my new experience with the dividers as an adult. I expected them to be very tall--maybe 6 feet in height. But when I saw them again, now as an adult, it may be stretching it to say they are 60 inches tall!

Certainly our then four and six year-old physical statures had a lot to do with our judgment of the size of those dividers. We remembered them being large because at that time in our lives we were relatively small. Then, too, moving away and across the country as we subsequently did kept their size something of a secret as we grew older and taller. As it turned out we had not opportunity to use or be around them or to recalibrate their size in our minds eye given the changes in our physical dimensions. Also, and equally influential in this remembering process is the fact that the purpose and the way we, as children, used those dividers was in fact very different from their designed purpose and function. We have changed dramatically in both out physical size AND mental sophistication. So what does this have to do with dating? A lot.

Let me illustrate by asking you a question: Let's assume dating has an intended purpose. So, I'm asking you, what is dating all about? How you answer that question may tell you--and me--something about you. One of the more common answers: "Dating is about getting to know the opposite sex--it's about learning how women or guys work."Another honest response , "It's about finding opportunities to release sexual tension." OK. (I'll come back to that one later.)

Here's another simple question for those of you--especially you guys who may be in junior high, high school or you may be college freshmen or sophomores: "When you date are you seriously thinking about getting married?" Quite generally the answer I get, especially and quickly from guys is, "No!--are you kidding?" Here's a third question: "If you are between the ages of 14 through mid-to-late 20's, do you know your brain is changing; do you know it's becoming more complex, developing toward the kind and the quality of neurological complexity you will have permanently as a mature adult? Typically the answer I get when I ask that question is something along the lines of, "Yah...OK. I think so. Sure!"

Finally, my last question to you comes in the form of a scenario: "If I handed you a little book to read--say it's just ten pages--but in giving it to you I also tell you that reading it will undoubtedly bring about one of the most normal, and pleasant, and potentially prolong-able experiences you will have experienced in your life to this point. However, I then also warn you how that if you choose to read the little book and experience that pleasant event now, at this time in your life, it will most probably mean you may never actually experience it in the same or in a better and prolong-able way ever again. What will you do with the book? These questions, the first, second, third, and that scenario are all related. I'm going to come back to this...so look for the next blog entry. In the meantime, stay tuned. Be safe, have fun, and be smart.

Dick

PS: If, like me, you are genuinely interested in some research around this topic and you are willing, again like me, to "eat the meat and spit out the bones" here (click) is a great study with a healthy bibliography of research you can sink your teeth into. Remember, if you're hungry for the truth, "All truth is God's truth," but we are all called at that point to be very finicky eaters!

Flower to Flower: Those So-Called "Male Freedoms"

What's this about, "male freedoms?" When a dating relationship goes "inside-out" it becomes sexual. Another phrase, "sexual favors," describes a guy's twisted successful effort to get more than just hugs and kisses behind closed doors. "Male freedom" becomes a code word for some really irresponsible guy behavior.

However, that's not to suggest gals can't or aren't responsible to initiate this kind of "sharing." When, for example, she decides to offer her "favors" in a bid to keep him around longer, she may predictably succeed at making that happen--for a while. But lots of experience (and good research) says his presence will be predictably short-term. And what happens to the relationship? While he (and she) may (?) enjoy the sexual fireworks, there's often an obvious and abrupt change--a decline--in the overall relational dynamics. Going "inside-out" often predicts a relationship's "the end"--the very thing she probably didn't want to see happen.

Historically, women have taken most all the risks when a relationships turn "inside out." It's an age-old complaint, "The guy just walked away; she took all the risks!" Pregnancy, children to care for, financial uncertainties? It's been a prescription for heart ache; bitter pills swallowed oh so often by many women. Then, (as I mentioned briefly in the previous blog) in a bid to offer as much sexual adventure and pleasure as possible for BOTH sexes, the newest Western cultural efforts have focused to bring miracle tools of 21st Century technology to grant women the same "freedoms" the guys have historically (albeit irresponsibly) possessed. Note that the emphasis is on "freedoms," generally dismissing any appropriate responsibility-taking or developing any ethical muscle on the part of either sex. The new cultural mantra appears to have become, "It's the freedoms, stupid!"

Again, as I mentioned previously, a woman's relational wiring tends to demand the very things this newly acclaimed "freedom" unwittingly denigrates: relational stability, security, commitment, warmth, and interpersonal sharing with sustained friendship. And where are those things found? In a committed marriage and family relationship! Interestingly, too, what factors best predict the long-term emotional and physical health of men: relational stability, security, commitment, warmth, and interpersonal sharing with respect in a sustained friendship. Coincidental? Hardly.

But there's more: the "inside-out" dynamics can get frustratingly scary, too. People can't just turn them off and on like water from a faucet. The more frequently dating partners "share favors" this way the less likely the participants will be to ever find a "satisfying committed relationship." That's a proven fact!

So why are loud, persuasive voices in Western culture aggressively marketing the very things so destructive to male health, female health and marital health? Three reasons come to mind: Money, Politics, and Moral Corruption seasoned with stupidity.

But, YOU can ignore those marketing efforts--dodge a potentially fatal personal and relationship bullet with a Smarter Romance. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose!

Until next time be safe...have fun...and be SMARTER!

Inside-Out's Most Contemporary Proponants

It's nearing that time of the year when the clothes start coming off. It doesn't matter whether you're up town or down town or somewhere in mid-town. The phenomenon is the same. In and around university campuses where I've spent much of my childhood and adult life, the spring days on campus find men playing Frisbee or tight-roping in shorts and shirtless. Gals similarly respond to the warming temperatures sun bathing together on apartment balconies. They're found waiting the lines at Starbucks in shorts and a blouse or a sweater top that's "shrunk" up two sizes from the waistline.

These spring events are generations old. I remember seeing similar scenes in 1940's-50's movies with, for example, Clarke Gable and Lana Turner. No big deal. What is new, however (I'll characterize this from my perspective) is a great confusion around what is "female."

Women are being taught they can and should expect to have the freedoms men have always known. They're expecting this, albeit without the "it's a boy!" way of thinking that comes "umbilically" attached to those so-called "freedoms."

Men and women think about who they are and what they do, respectively, very differently. You can't educate or train or otherwise "environate" maleness out of men any more successfully than you can accomplish that same thing with femaleness for women. Nevertheless, the expectation persists. It is marketed and driven by (perhaps?) good intentioned and wishful thinking "scientists," all of whom are card carrying members from a variety of agendas, with social engineering and politically correct goals.

So, what happens when you keep telling a duck he or she is a chicken? You get a really confused duck. You get a duck that tries to be a chicken but isn't wired to do chicken stuff. It's problematic for ducks...and a huge nuisance to other chickens! (see March 22nd's blog)

Consider a few interesting examples:

1. Women are encouraged to be sexually active; postpone or devalue any feeling they might naturally have for commitment to a sexual partner, i.e., "It's purely recreational."
   
2. Women are encouraged to be sexually active and feel little need for concern about any natural consequences (pregnancies) because there are "tools," i.e., birth control pills, "the morning after pill," and abortion if necessary.
   
3. Women are being encouraged to think their costs for health insurance should be exactly the same as men (an idea that is as statistically curious as the statement "Men and women are equally likely to get pregnant").
   

I can list a lot more of these "women are just like men" messages. They come "wrapped" as implicit (implied) and explicit (clearly stated) media-driven packages. Generally all these messages are exactly what they appear to be, driven by questionably good intentioned and wishful thinking "scientists," and proposed by card carrying members from a variety of agendas, with social engineering and politically correct goals.

What's the bottom line to all of this? It's this: Quite generally women don't work that way (click and then borrow this book and go to the chapter starting on p. 189)! So what does that say for men who are often the abusers taking advantage of the innate sensibilities of women? Am I condoning their behavior--their comparative inclination toward what some have described as serial monogamy? NO!

More next time. Have fun. Be safe. Be smart

Outside-In or Inside-Out Dating Relationships?

I've observed how there are basically two ways couples tend to do a dating relationship. Dating relationships develop outside-in or inside-out. They may also be something of a combination of the two. I can tell you right up front that the major difference between the two styles is determined in the way the dating couple becomes physically and/or sexually involved with each other or not. Remember these are broad generalizations, but please consider their merits and tell me what you think.

"Outside-In" dates tend to constructively involve other people--other couples, friends, family members, colleagues and associates, fellow students, etc. These relationships find dating couples doing things that are out in the open; non-secretive. Their dates and developing friendship has a crisp, lightweight feel to the bystander. The dating couple exude an inclusive mutually shared enthusiasm. Their energies radiate a feeling that's celebratory, a message that seems to suggest something like, "Come have fun with us." They cooperatively plan the things they do and their planning becomes a valuable part of their dating experience. Their dates can have a subtle, positive influence on the people around them, i.e., their family members, friends, co-workers, etc., and they collaboratively discuss their experiences for the value such discussion has to help them understand and appreciate, or not, the merits in their continuing the dating relationship.

"Inside-Out" styled dates tend to get predictably and quickly focused on the couple's "one another" experiences. Other people may be included in their dates, but increasingly their presence becomes a tool to initiate their own together time. To the familiar bystander the dating couple's friendship begins to feel exclusive and detached from other people; it may feel heavy and awkward, a "three is a crowd" kind of feeling to friends or family members. Planning is generally and increasingly an unimportant element in their dating experiences since apparently "just being together" is all they really seem to want. Since alone time appears to be one of their constant and major objectives on a date, other people may not be positively or memorably influenced by the dynamics of their developing relationship. Their conversation and discussion, an important pass-time for their early dates, is decreasingly important and marginally meaningful unless it promises future time together doing what they want to do, i.e., being together.

Because both good intended (and not so good intended) men and women initiate dating relationships that start "outside-in," it's muting to the relationship's growth dynamics when their dating behavior turns "inside-out?" There are ALWAYS big downsides to that event.

I'm going to follow-up on this discussion in the next blog.

So until then be safe, have fun, and be smart!

Practice Makes Perfect

A person's ability to experience continued success or consistently provide dependable quality is generally developed slowly over time. Consider a few things that teach us the truth in that principle: fine wine, musical and dramatic talent, athletic skill and sports prowess, artistic perfection and craftsmanship, writing skill, speaking skill, character development, etc.

Men and women who have demonstrated great success in the sports world were already passionately invested in their sport as early as three years old. Just to name a quick few I think of Lindsey Vonn, Michael Jordan, Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods as some classic examples. The skills they began to learn at that early age were practiced repeatedly along with the mental focus and emotional disciplines required to support their lofty achievements.

Those of us who are "not stars"have a gut sense that the physical tools and the supporting mental and emotional disciplines to make the stars famous are products of much personal sacrifice. Certainly we are right! Nevertheless, when it comes to life's successes in general, we often expect quick results at the things we do that are far outside any spotlight. We so quickly forget the principle: One's ability to experience continued success or to offer predictably dependable quality is developed slowly over time.

Smarter Romance (SR) is committed to exactly that principle. Relational skill and relational wisdom-- basic ingredients to what SR is all about-- is slowly learned in the growth of interpersonal skills over time. SR helps you create a dating environment that builds on your accumulating successes. Your dating relationships will grow lasting friendships, whether or not the initial dating relationship goes any farther than just a few events.

If you're an SR participant, you will learn things about yourself and about your date that invariably build your insight, challenge for character growth, and sharpen your interpersonal skills. For example, if you start practicing SR when your in your teens, you'll be a "star" to somebody special when at some time in your distant future you're seriously looking for your "Mr." or "Miss Right."

That's just the way it works...it's a Smarter Romance promise!

Until next time have fun...and be smart.

STD's and Pointing The Light?

Yup. Its a Maglight setting on a library stool.

I've been intrigued with flashlights since I was a kid. For me there's always been something about them that is nearly supernatural. Having one in my hand as a boy made me feel like a superhero; I was powerful!

So today I've got my share of flashlights. I've got big ones and small ones, lights that are awkward to carry and some that let me forget I've got one tucked into my pocket. They're all part of what some suggest is my "collection." But that's not really the way I think of it, although I've got a few including flashers and lasers in red and green!

Flashlights do pretty much one thing: they put light where you point it in the darkness. So what's the connection between that idea and Smarter Romance?

You won't have to read very far into the manuscript, Smarter Romance (soon to be available), to hear discussion around how being sexually active in a dating relationship puts the brakes on it's (and your) emotional development. That's the way it works, one of those not so well-advertised facts.

But here's another not so well-advertised fact: There are over 90 million people in the United States infected with Sexually Transmitted Diseases (That's an average of one person in every four!) Can you venture a guess at the average ages of those people infected with STDs in the USA? You probably guessed correctly and women are particularly at very high risk! Overall, our nation has a rate of infection that is THREE TIMES the rate of other so-called developed countries.

Given the dating behavior of contemporary Americans all around you, Smarter Romance will help you build the kind of personal and character strengths into your dating routines and relationships that are comparatively SUPERNATURAL!

So, might I suggest that a flashlight, for kids, is a powerful tool to give them feelings of "supernatural" ability, but Smarter Romance is the real thing. It's WOW powerful; it can actually change people's futures!

Till next time be safe, have fun, and be smart!

Confused Duck

We've got a duck in our hen house. A sadly confused duck. He's the only non-chicken in there; he doesn't know he's "not a chicken."

OK. As you know, Smarter Romance specifically targets the dating and courtship experience. For those of you married men and women who follow this blog and/or who may be in roles to support and encourage couples' relationships...I offer the following humble recommendation:

Just a short time ago I ran across what I think is the very best book on marriage I've ever read, and I've read and followed a few of them. From my perspective, Dr. Gary Thomas' Sacred Marriage stands up head and shoulders above all the rest. Gary writes candidly about his own marriage experience and growth, introduces all kinds of valuable first-hand, historical, and biographical illustrations, and he speaks from his heart integrating what the Bible really says about marriage. He touches what we all experience personally, see all around us relationally, and face culturally on a daily basis--as men and women.

He appeals to the real citizenry of Christian men and women.

Gary is conceptually, theologically, and realistically ON TARGET! If you've not found this gem already, I heartily suggest you get it and read it with your wife or husband. I believe it will be a blessing of major influence for your and those you influence. It's already been a great blessing and a source of deep encouragement to Judi and I.

A couple things (tongue in cheek of course): 1.) Gary Thomas is a graduate of and an adjunct professor at Western Seminary (one of my fellow alums!), so he's coming from a rock solid background (just like me...ha). 2.) He lives in the Pacific Northwest, AKA God's country, so that makes him just that much more " a really special person" (again, just like me...ha, ha).

As is the case with so much of life's experiences "we're all in this together," but many times we forget; we're not chickens." It may be that we're just so completely chicken to act like one.

Till next time...have fun, be smart, and let's help other people know how to do that relationally, too.

smarterromance@gmail.com