Getting married and Staying Married: How good a lover do you need to be?

I'm sure you've witnessed it. A healthy and exciting marriage ends in hurt and anger. I've seen it too. Watching what appears to be a healthy relationship get sick and eventually die is like offering some hand-held grain to a flock of hungry chickens. Those little pecks may "tickle" at first, but soon you're running from their painful and impatient advances.

Healthy marriage relationships don't just happen, they are made. Similarly, most unhealthy relationships don't just happen, they gradually become unhealthy. Really healthy relationships tend to maintain their health. Unhealthy relationships can get sicker and sicker.

When I did marriage seminars some people heard me make a statement that struck them as funny: "People don't get married to be miserable for the rest of their lives." Surprisingly, some married couples do find themselves in an uncomfortable endurance-type mode. Some researchers suggest this kind of thing may be going on for as many as one out of every four relationships! But realistically, most marriage relationships go through "storms"--really uncomfortable seasons that neither partner wants to revisit. Thankfully the issues or events that spawned these "storms" can resolve and become a distant memory. But if or when a storm just continues to build, it's often because one or several of these life-skill inadequacies are sabotaging the couple's effort to move away from the storm track.

So, here is another one of those questions I promised in a previous blog entry. Thinking about it can generate some very helpful insight when it comes to deciding whether a couple should seriously consider getting married, or if they should graciously part company as friends: What level of competency must you establish around these life skills to assure you that you can, in fact, have a durable and satisfying marriage relationship?

The answer to that question probably isn't what you might think. What's going to be "good enough" for one couple's dynamics may be very "wrong" for another. So, you've got to experimentally find out what level of competency best serves this relationship. How should a couple accomplish that? I'll rehearse (below) what I suggested in my previous blog entry.

...Here's a simple two-step answer, and like so many other things in life, it's a lot more easily said than done. But remember, there is a lot at stake.

1. Don't be in a hurry to get married. It's a fact that many problems could have been solved (before they became issues for a relationship) if the partners hadn't rushed to 'tie the knot.' You're going to need some time to assure yourselves that you really do have the definitive answer to this question before you make your final commitment-decision to the relationship.
2. Intentionally identify, plan, and then do activities together. The activities you choose should require your shared and active investment of time and energy. You want to get a good sense of how well you work together, respectively take responsibility, and demonstrate ability to be accountable to each other for the outcome. For example, plan, purchase the ingredients, and cook a meal together for another couple that you would like to spend some time with...or...Plan a weekend retreat--maybe a camping trip for several other friends or couples--where you two are the PRIMARY planners/leaders responsible to make this event happen "without a hitch.

Do this with a bunch of activities you plan and execute together--at least ten! You will learn a lot about each other doing these kinds of things. Planning and executing activities and events like these will vastly increase your understanding of each others emotional dynamics, how you work together, how well, and why. (For more practical discussion like this, ask about the book, Smarter Romance.)

More later

Life skill No. 4, Emotional Stability

If you were asked to identify key factors a person should consider in preparing for a satisfying and durable marriage relationship, what would you say?

All the life skills I've identified so far might qualify for your list. You can review the ones we've discussed in previous blog entries. This one is no less important than any of those, and probably no more important than skills we'll identify in future entries.

Obviously, a person's emotional instability may very well contribute to his or her work and financial problems. But we could ask, "Which one is the 'cause' and which one is the result? Anybody can get upset when a job situation is failing. So, that's really a good question to ask. Until potential partners get to know each others un-edited emotional dynamics really well, the nature of their romantic relationship will generally dictate how they interpret each others behavior.

Romance predicts that we'll give the object of our affection the benefit of any doubt--so we're inclined to blame our partner's job-related problems and/or financial instabilities on an unfair life situation or circumstances. These things can appear to be outside his or her control. Certainly, it can be true that circumstances are to blame. But many relationships don't really get a definitive answer to that question until long AFTER a couple has chosen to "tie the marital know."

So, how is a couple going to find out the answer to this question? How can you tease out what is the real "cause" and what is the effect? Here's a simple two-step answer, and like so many other things in life, it's a lot more easily said than done. But remember, there is a lot at stake here.

1. Don't be in a hurry to get married. It's a fact that many problems could have been solved (before they became issues for a relationship) if the partners hadn't rushed to "tie the knot." You're going to need some time to assure yourselves that you really do have the definitive answer to this question before you make your final commitment-decision to the relationship.
2. Intentionally identify, plan, and then do activities together. The activities you choose should require your shared and active investment of time and energy. You want to get a good sense of how well you work together, respectively take responsibility, and demonstrate your ability to be accountable to each other for the outcome. For example, plan, purchase the ingredients, and cook a meal together for another couple that you would like to spend some time with. Plan a weekend retreat--maybe a camping trip for several other friends or couples--where you two are the PRIMARY planners/leaders who make the event happen "without a hitch." [see a list of activities in the back of the book, Smarter Romance.]
   

Do this with a bunch of activities you plan and execute together--at least ten. You will learn a lot about each other doing these kinds of things. Planning and executing activities and events like these will vastly increase your understanding of each others emotional dynamics, how you work together, how well, and why. [This marriage safeguarding format can also be found in Smarter Romance, the book. Please comment about your interest if you want to know more about the book]

Remember, satisfying and durable relationships don't just happen. They're planned for, made, and shared cooperatively!

More next time