Ugh...Marrying one of your in-laws?

Now that's a nightmarish thought. We all know now mother-in-law and father-in-law relationships make great source material for jokes of all kinds. It's a product of the curious and often irritating contrasts we see--and experience--in families' styles, priorities, and general ways of doing things. And certainly, those contrasts are predictable and vary in content and intensity.

In-law challenges are one of the "top five" sources of controversy for couples--and they don't go away! We can probably all think of people we know who have moved themselves from one town to another, or across the country, just to ease the tensions that in-law stuff has introduced. But making that move may address the issue in one way and actually contribute to it in other ways. For example, I've met couples that made this kind of move only to trade the daily emotional wear and tear of being geographically close for the financial costs associated with vacation trips back there, frequent telephone conversations, and tense discussions related to "you get to see your folks a lot more frequently than I get to see mine!" So, once you've got them, there may be no simple solutions to these kinds of dilemmas, and the really complicated ones are just that--complicated!

There's at lease one more really important piece to this discussion. We previously considered how every relationship develops a set of "rules." These are both spoken and unspoken expectations that become woven into the fabric of the relationship, and it starts to happen very early in the dating and courtship process. It's not until a partner challenges one of these rules--whether it happens intentionally or completely by accident--that both partners become keenly aware of its presence and influence. For example, there are certainly many "rules" that get set-up around a couple's relationship to their in-laws. The very nature of a couple's contact with mom and dad or brothers and sisters, how frequently, for how long, around what events, and at whose house, etc., all of these things can have "rules" associated with them. They get set-up very early in a couple's relationship...and this is just one good example.

So, what's a person to do?

The best remedy to an in-law challenge is this: Carefully and intentionally investigate what you're getting yourself into from the beginning--before you make this a permanent arrangement!

• Do you think there's a "rule" getting set-up? What does that feel like to you? Discuss this openly with each other--and as often as you feel you need to. Talk about what you see and what you're experiencing. Can you? When you do, what is your partner's response? Friendly, defensive, dismissing, open...what? Is that OK with you?
• What are the dynamics of your in-law experiences? Maybe these are fun events--they're great? Maybe they're actually destructive! How are the two of you working together to establish some shared and helpful boundaries? You can set your own (mutually agreed upon) rules to manage these destructive dynamics so they don't manage your relationship. You need to. You must.
• Finally, if you do what I just suggested (above) you'll be able to recognize and anticipate how your in-laws might influence your relationship long term. Is what you've "seen" in that long-term view OK with you and with your partner? If you face this challenge purposefully, together, and intentionally from the very beginning of your dating and courting experience, you'll find yourself (or yourselves) making an intentional decision to continue, or, maybe to end the relationship based on what you can see coming. Generally, once a person has made an intentional choice, it's easier to live with its long-range implications. It's painful for us to have to do that when we feel we were "blind sided."

Be smart. More next time.

Making, Keeping, and Enjoying Close Friends...Life Skill No. 5

There's an old saying, "You'll know a person by the friends he or she keeps." It's probably very true that the people we're most comfortable spending our time with indicate something about us, our values, and our priorities. But there's another side to this coin, too. You're getting a message when you know a person has very few friends. Maybe it's that he or she doesn't get much satisfaction engaging the company of other people?

The emotional environment of courtship and romance does something to people. For one thing it's stimulating and motivating and fun just knowing there's a new person in your world who is going out of his or her way to spend time with just you! It's intoxicating to realize someone thinks you're special and actually demonstrates that belief by making room for you in his or her life-- and in a way that's different from the way they treat anyone else. And because courtship and romance does that, it creates something of an artificial environment--one whose dynamics will not always be and feel exactly the way they do during the courtship process. That can be curiously tricky.

The emotional environment of dating and courtship is comparatively short lived. Those highly stimulating dynamics prompted by interpersonal mystery and intrigue and punctuated by a precious sexual tension don't stay "that way" and with "that kind" of intensity forever. The motivators prompting partners to do things for each other, to be there for each other, and to sacrifice for each other or for the relationship's well-being, can gradually decrease; but certainly not because they don't care for each other anymore. It's just that the novelty begins to wear off. Thankfully for us all it's not really "gone." It's just not the main focus anymore and it takes a little more effort to "spark" it and then some valuable dedication to "fan it into those hot flames."

So, what does this have to do with the person I mentioned above who has few friends? Exactly this: the dynamics of courtship and romance prompt partners to take emotional and inter-personal risks that they wouldn't otherwise take. They'll go places they normally wouldn't feel at all comfortable going and they'll do things they otherwise wouldn't feel comfortable doing. They'll sell each other on the idea that they're far more comfortable with people and making friends than they really are in fact. Is this a malicious act on their part? Certainly not--it's just the way everybody's wired to respond internally to the special dynamics of courtship and romance.

So, how does one really discover, for sure, the kind of comfort a courtship partner has for making, keeping, and enjoying close friends? Start with the two points I offered at the end of the last blog entry and add the following helpful suggestions:

• Spend time together in the company of each others friends. Choose settings that provide opportunity to get well acquainted and on a first name basis with each other.
• What do you know about your partner's "old" friends? For example, friends from junior high, high school, or college? Is there any contact or communication with them now and how frequently?
• How often does your partner talk about his or her friends? What is the character of those comments? For example, is it friendly, unfriendly, positive, negative, etc?
• What have you observed about how easily your partner makes friends? Does he or she follow-up those friend-making experiences by spending any planned time with them?
• How easy of difficult is it for the two or you to plan and then spend time with each others friends? For example, after you've developed a clear dating or courting commitment to each other--one your friends all recognize--do you feel there's a difference now in your inclination to spend time alone together vs. with friends and family members?
  
• Do you feel, or does your partner feel, a very strong preference to spend your together time away from the "interruptions" from friends? If so, how does that preference feel to you both right now? Have you discussed that question to your mutual satisfaction keeping in mind that you'll have lots of time to be all alone together if or when you decide to make your relationship permanent, i.e., marriage? What might this preference to be alone begin to look and feel like if you two were married? Is that OK with you?
  

Be yourself. Have fun. More next time

Getting married and Staying Married: How good a lover do you need to be?

I'm sure you've witnessed it. A healthy and exciting marriage ends in hurt and anger. I've seen it too. Watching what appears to be a healthy relationship get sick and eventually die is like offering some hand-held grain to a flock of hungry chickens. Those little pecks may "tickle" at first, but soon you're running from their painful and impatient advances.

Healthy marriage relationships don't just happen, they are made. Similarly, most unhealthy relationships don't just happen, they gradually become unhealthy. Really healthy relationships tend to maintain their health. Unhealthy relationships can get sicker and sicker.

When I did marriage seminars some people heard me make a statement that struck them as funny: "People don't get married to be miserable for the rest of their lives." Surprisingly, some married couples do find themselves in an uncomfortable endurance-type mode. Some researchers suggest this kind of thing may be going on for as many as one out of every four relationships! But realistically, most marriage relationships go through "storms"--really uncomfortable seasons that neither partner wants to revisit. Thankfully the issues or events that spawned these "storms" can resolve and become a distant memory. But if or when a storm just continues to build, it's often because one or several of these life-skill inadequacies are sabotaging the couple's effort to move away from the storm track.

So, here is another one of those questions I promised in a previous blog entry. Thinking about it can generate some very helpful insight when it comes to deciding whether a couple should seriously consider getting married, or if they should graciously part company as friends: What level of competency must you establish around these life skills to assure you that you can, in fact, have a durable and satisfying marriage relationship?

The answer to that question probably isn't what you might think. What's going to be "good enough" for one couple's dynamics may be very "wrong" for another. So, you've got to experimentally find out what level of competency best serves this relationship. How should a couple accomplish that? I'll rehearse (below) what I suggested in my previous blog entry.

...Here's a simple two-step answer, and like so many other things in life, it's a lot more easily said than done. But remember, there is a lot at stake.

1. Don't be in a hurry to get married. It's a fact that many problems could have been solved (before they became issues for a relationship) if the partners hadn't rushed to 'tie the knot.' You're going to need some time to assure yourselves that you really do have the definitive answer to this question before you make your final commitment-decision to the relationship.
2. Intentionally identify, plan, and then do activities together. The activities you choose should require your shared and active investment of time and energy. You want to get a good sense of how well you work together, respectively take responsibility, and demonstrate ability to be accountable to each other for the outcome. For example, plan, purchase the ingredients, and cook a meal together for another couple that you would like to spend some time with...or...Plan a weekend retreat--maybe a camping trip for several other friends or couples--where you two are the PRIMARY planners/leaders responsible to make this event happen "without a hitch.

Do this with a bunch of activities you plan and execute together--at least ten! You will learn a lot about each other doing these kinds of things. Planning and executing activities and events like these will vastly increase your understanding of each others emotional dynamics, how you work together, how well, and why. (For more practical discussion like this, ask about the book, Smarter Romance.)

More later

Life skill No. 4, Emotional Stability

If you were asked to identify key factors a person should consider in preparing for a satisfying and durable marriage relationship, what would you say?

All the life skills I've identified so far might qualify for your list. You can review the ones we've discussed in previous blog entries. This one is no less important than any of those, and probably no more important than skills we'll identify in future entries.

Obviously, a person's emotional instability may very well contribute to his or her work and financial problems. But we could ask, "Which one is the 'cause' and which one is the result? Anybody can get upset when a job situation is failing. So, that's really a good question to ask. Until potential partners get to know each others un-edited emotional dynamics really well, the nature of their romantic relationship will generally dictate how they interpret each others behavior.

Romance predicts that we'll give the object of our affection the benefit of any doubt--so we're inclined to blame our partner's job-related problems and/or financial instabilities on an unfair life situation or circumstances. These things can appear to be outside his or her control. Certainly, it can be true that circumstances are to blame. But many relationships don't really get a definitive answer to that question until long AFTER a couple has chosen to "tie the marital know."

So, how is a couple going to find out the answer to this question? How can you tease out what is the real "cause" and what is the effect? Here's a simple two-step answer, and like so many other things in life, it's a lot more easily said than done. But remember, there is a lot at stake here.

1. Don't be in a hurry to get married. It's a fact that many problems could have been solved (before they became issues for a relationship) if the partners hadn't rushed to "tie the knot." You're going to need some time to assure yourselves that you really do have the definitive answer to this question before you make your final commitment-decision to the relationship.
2. Intentionally identify, plan, and then do activities together. The activities you choose should require your shared and active investment of time and energy. You want to get a good sense of how well you work together, respectively take responsibility, and demonstrate your ability to be accountable to each other for the outcome. For example, plan, purchase the ingredients, and cook a meal together for another couple that you would like to spend some time with. Plan a weekend retreat--maybe a camping trip for several other friends or couples--where you two are the PRIMARY planners/leaders who make the event happen "without a hitch." [see a list of activities in the back of the book, Smarter Romance.]
   

Do this with a bunch of activities you plan and execute together--at least ten. You will learn a lot about each other doing these kinds of things. Planning and executing activities and events like these will vastly increase your understanding of each others emotional dynamics, how you work together, how well, and why. [This marriage safeguarding format can also be found in Smarter Romance, the book. Please comment about your interest if you want to know more about the book]

Remember, satisfying and durable relationships don't just happen. They're planned for, made, and shared cooperatively!

More next time

Marital toughness...and a canary for breakfast?

In a previous blog entry I said it might be helpful to ask yourself the question, "What do you hope or expect your (future) partner will have done to help assure a durable and satisfying marital relationship with you?"

So, what did you decide? How many ideas did you generate about how your future partner could come "prepared" to be with and around you for a long time?

If there's any one thing couples who've been married for several decades will consistently report, it's the fact that living together and being together for a long time doesn't "just happen." Here's a short list of things some people might say "just happened."

• A gas leak triggered a house explosion in a local town.
• My neighbor's cat ate our pet canary.
• Candidate Barak Obama was elected President of the United States.
• Our dog gave birth to seven adorable mongrel puppies.
• My close friend was diagnosed with breast cancer.
• A friend of a friend's friend just won it big in the lottery!

OK. Did these things "just happen" or was there a set of domino-like events that eventually led to, for example, a canary that became "breakfast?"

Being together and staying together takes some work--even for people who are very obviously in love with each other. So, believe it or not, you can actually prepare yourself to be a more durable marriage partner. You can work on it before you get married, or can work on it after you get married, but I can absolutely guarantee that you will work on it sooner or later.

A very curious and fascinating thing happens when couples are courting. Whether they are aware of it or not they're defining their relationships' "rules." Many of their "rules" for being, working, playing, and staying together may get discussed at various points in their courting processes. Many more--the vast majority of their "rules"--are not discussed or even detected. But they're there. Teammates begin to discover what these rules are as their relationship matures over time. Interestingly, or sadly, depending on your perspective, once a team's rules get set they are difficult to change. In fact, teammates don't change a rule without it having a BIG and immediate impact on the relationship, and the impact's immediate influence is rarely pretty. Working through the impact of a proposed rule change will require some good communication skills. Interestingly too, couples who communicate well with each other do generally report that they have better sex, experience more constructive emotional dynamics, and report greater marital satisfaction.

So, what's one of the very best things your (future) partner can do to help assure a durable and satisfying marriage to you? Things that measurably grow his or her practical communication skills. And I don't just mean "talkin' together." Every courting couple talks together and reports how good they are at it! No, what I mean is repeatedly finding active things to do together, and doing those things, so you are required to solve problems, discover solutions, and make and execute plans that demand the shared investment of your time and energy.

Durable relationships don't just happen. They're planned for, constructed, and shared cooperatively!

More next time

Life Skill No. 3, Employment Stability

I'm sure you know them too, friends, relatives, or associates with a dismal history at trying to stay employed. They may find a good job situation that pays well and offers good hours--maybe even some helpful benefits! It may appear they've finally settled into a steady rhythm that's meaningful and stable, then out of the blue something seems to happen that ushers them back onto the street. All too familiar for them are the activities associated with a new job search and its associated tasks.

What's going on for these well-meaning people? Everyone who has an employment history that looks like or that may sound like this description has a different story. There are as many different reasons for this "serial unemployment" as there are people whose job histories are punctuated by it. Whatever the facts of the situations may be, the financial and emotionally frustrating outcomes can look and feel pretty much the same.

So what? If you really love someone who has this kind of employment history, what's the big deal? That's probably a good question. If you personally have a sterling employment history and little problem selling and engaging your employable skills for the long-term, then you may be the team member best positioned to carry the larger financial burdens for your relationship over time. That's particularly OK if you know that "going in," and you've made a conscious choice (and maybe even come to a mutual agreement) to designate yourself as the relationship's "financial custodian." But if you didn't know this is a role you'd be required to accept--f you really couldn't see the kinds of challenges your teammate routinely experiences staying employed, and if you didn't realize what that might mean for your relationship long-term--then this "default" role may become a financial burden and a source of great emotional and relational frustration for you both.

Yes, this is another one of those life skills: Maintaining personally meaningful and gainful employment.

Here are a few questions that may help prevent your being blind-sided in the dating or courting process. If your present courting relationship appears to have some long-term promise...

• What kinds of things are you doing together that give you a factual and realistic appraisal of your partner's employment history?
• Do you know what factors contributed to any "burps" in his or her employment history and why?
• If your partner does have "burps" in his or her employment history, do you recognize any curious and/or repetitious themes? What are they?
• How freely self-disclosing has your partner been about "burps" in his or her employment history?
• If your partner is comfortable in his or her job situation, what do you know about it? For example...

1. How long has he or she been employed in the present job?
2. How does he or she talk about the job? Do you see it as a good fit? Why or why not?
3. Is your partner's employer happy with his or her work?
4. What are your partner's long-term goals and how does the present job/role fit in that longer-term plan?

• What do you think and feel about your partner's job/employment situation and plan? Are you comfortable with his or her employment and goals and can you see yourself being happy with that employment if he or she is happy with it?

Finally, here is another question that's completely unrelated to our life-skills discussion. It may prove beneficial for you to be thinking about:

What do YOU believe are the key factors a person must consider when it comes to preparing oneself for a durable and satisfying marriage relationship?

More next time

Life Skill No. 2, Managing Money

We're continuing a discussion of life skills that you should be looking for in a potential partner...There's a lot to be said about the influence of money--or the lack of it--on a relationship. The simple truth is this: Money, how it's made or not, how it's spent, when, how often, by whom, and for what, is a source of the majority of quarrels in marriage. If partners work as a team, collaboratively, and with good ongoing communication around money issues, they can dodge these potentially fatal marriage-ending bullets.

What does it mean to be a good money manager? I know people on both ends of the "anal or not so anal" scale when it comes to keeping track of their finances. Some people obviously have a monthly plan and a budget. They are consistently balancing their check book, monitoring their account daily, keeping and categorizing absolutely every receipt, and balancing their account multiple times weekly. I also know people on the other end of that scale who think plans and budgets are a huge bother, rarely check their balances, could care less about categorizing receipts, and only infrequently care to know the current balance in their checking, credit card, or ATM account.

When it comes to money management the really telling issue is about how much financial trouble a person has been in, or is in now, and what's their attitude and motivation for getting out and moving forward? It's true of money management, as it is with many life skills dynamics, that a person's history around the skill is often the best predictor of future effectiveness. But don't let past difficulties prevent your forward movement. If you haven't got the skills you want, it's encouraging and helpful to remember they can be acquired. They require a little coaching, some practice with patience, and some discipline. One helpful tip: If you've had problems managing money, fix them before you get married! Develop this hew skill first, tailor your financial disciplines, and experience some modest success. You'll bring an attractive confidence to a new relationship.

So, here's another one of those questions I promised in a previous blog. Consider it and, for example, think about the above discussion:

What do you hope or expect your (future) partner will have done to help assure a durable and satisfying marital relationship with you?

More next time.