Running the Bases: Sliding Head-First Into Third!

Are you dating?
Does your dating behavior matter?
Are you, like so many other "players," hitting those high, infield-fly balls, racing around first, and (because of a fielder's error--"thank-you very much!) catching the corner at second to slide safely into third base?!

Let me ask some really basic questions: "What's dating about anyway?" Why do you date and who? How frequently...once a month, twice...once a week or two, three times a week...what? How do you choose? What are your expectations; what do you do; where do you like to go; and who decides? Who approaches who...n'...are there "rules of invitation," who pays for what...why...and..perhaps, what's dating in the big mix of life's "bigger games?"

Last year in an August 20th blog entry I compared dating behavior to a snapshot. I said it's an "in the moment" still picture--of you. Who are you; what do you look like--I mean this from the perspective of people you've dated? I quizzically mused about "tall" people of integrity--or maybe some other kind of person or people of comparatively more questionable integrity than...well...you?

And that kind of inquiry, if you are dating or think you are going to be dating, leads me to make some related observations. For example, we live in this societal age of casual and "comfortable fit," of various forms in "lift" and up-sizing, of gigabytes and werewolf bites; where emphasis is often on stimulating and spontaneity, and on "more" and "longer," and "bigger is better, " and "sick" is exciting and cool! I'm talkin' about hamburgers 'n fries, n' seeing curious couples in tubs, n' jeans, n' flops, n' crocks, about styled undies n' thinner "laps," n' hips, n' wide-screen TV's. Lest we forget, too, how active games are eclipsed by passive gaming--consoles, game boards and joy sticks replace rackets, balls, and neighborhood outside adventures...and as the story goes, we "Wii, wii, wii, wii all the way home." And...if you're a next generation type or a "Y-Gen" ("Millennial"), the newest and fastest work themes you find are, like, "work from home," and driven by "quality of life, " n' by "equal pay for equal work" concerns, and a variety of societal demigods tutored by gymnastical themes of political correctness.

So, that curiously and briefly observed, I think, more now than ever before a dating person needs to ask him or herself, "Who do I want to be?...What's important to me...n' Why? Generational contrasts are to be anticipated. However, there is little question that changes of the past several decades are eroding important gut elements about who we are--or were--as a society and, consequently, about who we really want to be, personally and individually.

Of course I'm referring to slow cultural movements observed in characteristic societal markers, like poverty rates, number of single-parent households, crime statistics, divorce rates, high school graduation rates comparing men and women, etc. Upon close inspection these reveal some fundamental deterioration in who we've been and where we're going now as a society. These statistical markers reflect changes in some important elements of our cultural soul that, by general agreement, have historically contributed to make us--as a society-- a tall, handsome, muscular, athletic, and respected member of the global community. Frightfully, now, we're becoming the shadow of our former "self;" we are served anxiously and temporarily by our historical reputation. All of us, parts of the contemporary societal whole, are both influenced by and potentially influencing this continued deterioration--this cultural slide.

So, I ask, who are you? If you're a teen, a young adult, or a seasoned vet now returning to the dating game again, when it comes to something as supposedly innocent and insignificant as your dating behavior (yes, you're just one person among so many millions), are you a "Giver, Taker, or some Other Kind of..." romancer? Are you lucky and s-l-i-d-i-n-g? Believe me, it matters--and a lot more than you may want to know or believe!

Revisiting those original questions I asked, above, "What's dating about anyway?" Why date and who does it? How frequently...once a month, twice...once a week or two, three times a week...what? Who do you date and how do you choose? What are your expectations; what do you do; where do you like to go,and who decides? Who approaches who...or...are there "rules of invitation," and who pays for what...why? I challenge you to make all those questions fit into a package and a purpose for you that's about your personal character development and future success--"muscle building" and personal growth of the HIGHEST ORDER. Believe me, it is contagious--a good infection that our entire Western society needs to be re-exposed to--and catch! Ker-chew! You'll be glad you did; you'll accrue handsome and tall benefits for the rest of your life.

That's Smarter Romance for now. Be good. Be safe. Be smart!

Dick

For the Parents of Dating or "Wanna-Be" Dating Teens

Let's face it, there really is a lot about the contemporary dating scene that makes parents of dating teenagers nervous. For moms and dads with dating-aged children, nervousness quickly becomes an "occupational hazard." Just rehearse, for example, some of the provocative themes and posturing featured in any given week's television sitcoms---ugh, there's justified angst for sure! If you're like me, you can painfully picture your Johnny or Suzie dating "like that" and you pray, "Oh God, help us!"


So, what else do you do? Consider some helpful suggestions:

• Don't let em date until their "old enough" (whatever that means?)! Check out this helpful site and let me know what you think. (Click)
  
• "Sign them up" and require their card-carrying commitment to a local "Why Wait" support group--or maybe you can help start one! (It's a great resource that I can heartily recommend. This specific connection (above) is through Inter Varsity Christian Fellowship.)
  
• Introduce your teens to "Wait Training." It can help you help your teens to prayerfully co-enlist some similar and over-lapping commitments to the variety of collaborative concepts and principles "out there" for dating and courtship.
• Invest yourself in the resources of your local church. You're not alone when it comes to answering these questions and identifying some helpful resources. If your church does not offer resources of this nature, I suspect there are churches in your area that do. Discuss this with your pastor or priest. Churches and pastoral teams will often work collaboratively to support congregational needs, so make your inquiries.
• If your teens--or maybe you--are not church oriented per se, review the resources you will find through, for example, Smart Marriages and various national consortium (like Parents For Parents). I offered a site, above, but here it is again....(Click).
  
• Finally, keep in mind that these very helpful programs and resources, for the most part, will not necessarily provide your teen a routine dating paradigm. Please permit me to be painfully realistic here. The world around them, as frustrating as this may be for parents, will still try to provide that paradigm for your teens--and they will remain very tempted to buy into it! Consequently, you can help them get the customizing tools they need--tools that will help them confidently mold their dating attitude, expectations, and habits around their personal (and sometimes peculiar?) styles and values. That's huge...and it's what Smarter Romance is all about.

Right now the manuscript, Smarter Romance, is available to you as a PDF ($15). I will email it to you at your request. (You'll find a description of its contents...click here.) I am available for seminars and tutorials. Call and/or email me. I'm happy to help.

Helen Keller had it right when she said, "Many persons have the wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose."

OK. That's Smarter Romance for now. Remember, you can help your teens have fun, be safe, and be smart.

Dick
email: smarterromance@gmail.com

Sorting Those Exciting and Confusing Male-Female Attractions

There's some insight in the old adage, "Birds of a feather flock together." Quite generally it's true and predictive that people who share the same values, interests, and styles will live, work, and be around one another in comparative harmony. But that's not to dismiss the value found in mixing peoples' styles, interests, and values for the way the differences can create alternative outcomes to upgrade a perspective, grow motivation, and enhance effectiveness.

Team building experience and related research clearly offers some healthy lessons around the value and merit of a good people-mix. For example, teams' dedication to a shared goal and a commitment to collaboratively achieve that goal can realize some very gratifying results--e.g., a Super Bowl win, a marketing coup, a political victory, etc.

The goals of a team are generally well and tightly defined and achievable. But it remains somewhat obvious that outside the dimensions distinguishing a team's goal its various members still live separate lives. They often have very different life interests and ambitions.

Team members value and genuinely need this kind of autonomy for its capacity to respect who they are individually beyond the interpersonal dynamics and skills that serve the team's goals. That's to say the dynamics and skills that generally serve their team commitment are not sufficient in themselves to identify or define the individual members outside of the team context. They remain different "birds" albeit they worked well together serving a specific time-limited goal.

When we watch the social interactions of men and women it often appears true that "opposites attract." However, as true as this can be on the surface it does not promise a wise or durable relationship. All too often men and women highly attracted to one another choose to pursue or expand a relationship based solely on their shared attraction. Again, and frequently just as often, those decisions prove disappointing and painful.

As was discussed above, there's little doubt that opposites can work both well and constructively together to achieve shared goals. However, when it comes to long-term male-female relationships involving the dynamics of an emotional intimacy, things can become arguably more complicated.

So, Smarter Romance similarly incorporates a team commitment and a project focus to serve interpersonal and character development goals in dating. But we've "tweaked" the team concept for the sake of helping couples evaluate what may become important longer-term considerations. In the SR context couples cooperatively dedicate themselves to their own customized and shared sets of goals. Their SR Team goals actually focus outside of the teammates' immediate relationship.

Collaboratively dedicated to their own projects, dating partners can quickly and better discover who they are as men and women. Then, they can similarly determine if there's any real potential for a constructive and enduring friendship---or if there's any potential for a future satisfying and lasting love with that developing friendship.

A Smarter Romance helps you from your very first date! SR helps you create a wise and effective environment for constructively managing a date and, maybe, a developing relationship. Then if your team relationship "works" for you, you'll be able to assess, as a team, the wider ranging and complex compatibility questions that can naturally develop.

Until next time...have fun, be safe, and be smart!

Dick

(Comment below or email me at smarterromance@gmail.com)

We can think "closeness," but do we do it the same way?

My friends Nick and Jennifer gradually realized how the things they want from each other are different than each expected. But that was not obvious to them as they met and began their dating experiences. They thought they were "on the same relationship page" since they both reported how good being together made them feel. It wasn't until after they were both disappointed and hurt that they could acknowledge this discovery.

Interpersonal closeness is an interesting concept. It comes in a variety of forms--emotional, spiritual, and physical, and it may have other dimensions as well. Emotional closeness and spiritual closeness are distinguished from each other by some important nuances. Physical closeness speaks for itself to some degree, but may not be easily separated from emotional or spiritual closeness given its influence on both.

For the sake of illustration, the relationship between these three might be thought of as the lobes of a clover leaf. Each is distinct and separate but joined at a common point of intersection. Thinking of them this way prompts us to ask questions like, "Can people be spiritually-emotionally close but not physically close; can we be emotionally-physically close but not spiritually close; can we be closer emotionally than we are spiritually; or what is the relationship between physical closeness and emotional or physical closeness?"

Interpersonal closeness has some strong perceptual dimensions to it. That is to day that a person's perception of his or her closeness to another person is his or hers alone--it may not necessarily be shared at all or to the same degree by the other person! Also, two people may think they are "close," but in fact they may not share an enduring quality of closeness. That's complicated because if they are romantically involved with each other based on that perception of their closeness, they will probably have some sever future surprises. Painful stuff for sure.

Smarter Romance is dedicated to helping you discover these things BEFORE you find yourself making decisions that will have painful consequences. In addition to the dynamics inherent in the SR-styled relationship building process, you will find some simple and helpful tools at the Smarter Romance Tools blog site. Some are free. Others, considering what they will offer you with my supportive help, are available for a small fee. Check em out. (Christmas discounts!)

So, until next time be safe, have fun, and be smart!

SR Nuts & Bolts: Dating Around an Active Theme

The family holiday scene, left, represents a variety of cooperative and collaborative dynamics. Those dynamics contribute to make the event a success--or a disappointment. Some of the dynamics represented there are complex and demanding. Others are simple and comparatively "free"--all a person had to do was "show up."
In general relationships are about cooperation and collaboration. Of course cooperation and collaboration can happen at many levels. Cooperation on a championship football team, for example, requires a high degree of complex behavioral dedication to a collaborative effort. By comparison, your daily relationship to your neighbor, although you share some geographic proximity, may require little cooperative or collaborative energy at all.

In my book, Smarter Romance, I discuss the merits of people dating around some mutually agreed upon themes. I encourage dating partners to think of themselves as a team. SR helps couples explore the merits for dedicating themselves, from the very beginning of a dating relationship, to the idea of working together as teammates. Consequently, their initial shared goal is about getting to know each other just well enough to launch into a shared project. They do so with the understanding that they will learn a lot more about each other in the process of working together.

The "getting to know each other" process enlists teammates immediate and active dedication to accomplish something constructive--something they can have fun accomplishing as a team. I call these constructive events "projects," and they can be as simple as building and flying a kite, tag-reading through a book together, or planning a surprise birthday party for a mutual friend. On the other hand they might be comparatively more complex, like planning and then coordinating a big, fun happening for friends, volunteering together to help build a house through Habitat for Humanity, or orchestrating a cross-country trip.

So, the agenda for your first date is already set. It's specific and simple: Get initially acquainted by asking each other a lot of good questions! (Of course you can do this over coffee or dinner or...?) The idea at this point is to discuss the things you both like; discover what kinds of things you are each into? This initial effort shouldn't take more than an hour or two and the information will help you get a sense for the kinds of creative projects you might want to set-up and tackle together as a team. Perhaps you realize after even this first date, "Nope, I really don't want to spend any more time with this person." That's real; it's OK.

If you decide on a second date together, your agenda is effectively set. You can meet to firm up what you want to do and how you want to do it together, or you can launch out into your first shared project. Your pooled efforts to accomplish something will quickly uncover a sense of purpose beyond the usual contemporary and predictable dating events with all their associated lulls, surprises, and confusion. "Themes" will quickly and spontaneously play out of what you choose to do together and they will help you identify a larger meaning and purpose for your developing relationship whether it proves to be long or comparatively short.

SR is about character development through constructive dating relationships. Give it a try! You've got everything to gain. Learn more from previous postings, and by all means SIGN UP for the updates, then let me know what you are thinking...leave a comment.

So, until next time...have fun, be safe, and be smart!

Dick

Practice Makes Perfect

I learned to whistle. I was pretty young. I don't remember who I saw doing it although it might have been my Uncle Ben. I had a pretty high estimation of him. He was one of those "self made man" kind of guys. So whoever it was who got me started, from about six or seven years old I was a whistler. As the years of whistling slipped bye I developed a whistling reputation. I enjoyed it, I did a lot of it, and all that practice developed some skills as a whistler that other people recognized and appreciated. They told me so! (Although I think some people secretly wanted to shut me up....BTW...have you seen a puppy try to whistle?).

I was also a trumpet player. I've met a bunch of them through the years. (But nobody like the young man in this video.) I started playing in the sixth grade and then played throughout junior high and high school. I was a pretty good trumpeter, too. I took private lessons for a while--off and on. I was generally first or "second chair" in the band. (I never felt I had had the time to play in the orchestra but I gave the jazz band some serious thought.) Then I thought about playing when I went to college. But I decided my engineering classes demanded more time than I could spare if I was in the band and trying to study for the applied science and engineering classes. It took a lot of practice to get good and stay good, and if I was going to do it I wanted to be one of the best.

I can still whistle. I can probably still "play" the trumpet, too. (Nobody would want to hear me.) It's interesting how that works, because even though its been many years since I picked up a horn and gave it a serious buzz, there is a lot about it that still feels natural. My fingers can still do the scales and "read" the music even though I can't remember consciously how to do the fingerings--the fingers just "do" it--they somehow know.

As a general rule we get good at what we practice. It gradually becomes part of us. In the case of things we want to get good at it's a good thing. But practicing can also be compromising. As a sophomore in high school I had a good friend, (I'll call him) Ted. Ted and I had grown up in the same neighborhood. He lived half a block from my house. We spent many hours together. Fun in the neighborhood, birthday parties, classes at school, Cub Scouts and the Boy Scouts, summer baseball...you get the idea. The problem really started shortly after we were becoming men--blame it on testosterone? No. But it was about that boy becoming a man process and how Ted focused it's influence on him. Yah. He would spend hours looking at his dad's girlie magazines. Playboy was one of his favorites.

But I was of course a red-blooded, 98.6 degree Fahrenheit, Caucasian male, too. (I still am!) I enjoyed looking at those with him, but I became mildly concerned for Ted about the way he would create stories around those pictures. We'd be in his room and he'd start up, "Here's what I would do if I met her in the hallway, or if she came to my room at night..." Then he would rehearse a very elaborate scenario, obviously well-practiced, and he'd unflinchingly act it out detail by small detail. He had many of these. They were little "one man vignettes" each with a bucket full of scintillating plots and scenes carefully choreographed; all-male stuff reaching for and ending punctuated with orgasmic sexual fulfillment.

Long story short: I was uncomfortable! I don't remember what I said to Ted in those moments. I do remember finding excuses not to go over to his house when he'd call. Then months flew bye. Gradually we spent zero time together. As you might guess, by the time we were seniors at CHS we'd become "just good ole friends," old acquaintances. We had developed different sets of social connections and effectively walked out of each others lives.

I was in college at OSU when I heard the sad news that Ted was in trouble. He was messed up. A woman had charged him with sexual assault. All those uncomfortable experiences I'd had with him there in his house, all my discomfort, it all came flooding back from my memory banks. I realized how all that hungry sexual appetite and behavior Ted carefully, albeit tragically, trained had turned to devour him.

Since that time researchers have learned a lot more about the relationship between people's thinking, fantasy-behavior, and its impact on reality. It boils down to this: Practice makes perfect. Of course in reference to it's impact on Ted, a similar colloquial way of saying it is, "Garbage in, garbage out," or in a Biblical phrase, "You are what you think!" Ted was seduced by a hormonal buzz. He embraced it. Stupidly then, he dedicated himself to practice a way of being with women that ultimately he acted out--and maybe more than once before he found himself in trouble? Whatever, it didn't have to happen! It did.

Smarter Romance (SR) understands Ted's situation. In fact, SR exists, in part, because of my old friend--and so many other "Teds" just like him. SR recognizes and appreciates the mystery, frustrations, and the joy we all experience as Guys and Gals in daily male-female interaction. SR is about learning and practicing a healthy, fun, and character-developing set of disciplines that will serve your relationships for decades. So, whether you are 13, 31, or 81 "practice still makes perfect." So, here's the awkward question: "What are your dating expectations, and are you stupidly training any not-so-complimentary "secret" male-female behavior? If you are, what are you going to do about it?

Have fun, be safe, be smart.

My One-on-One with Creativity

I just came back inside. I've been cruising our yard in the late summer sun. I was out there in the side-yard of our house chasing an idea for an upcoming blog. As it turned out the idea ran just a little ahead of me (and I'm in pretty good shape!) as I worked tryin my best to capture it. I gave up and came inside...for now.

So I guess it's still out there (but maybe not in the yard any longer) since it tends to wander around a bit...all that "creative moment" stuff of course. Nevertheless, I'll catch and wrestle it into temporary submission soon. In the meantime I'm working at my "sneakin up" skills.

So while we're waiting (on the development of those skills) let's give this some thought: What's in your best interests...and how do you know? Do you think you have a good answer for those two simple questions?

Well, certainly you should wisely respond with something like, "Well, Dick, what are we talking about here? Physical fitness, financial security, family relationships, career development, eating habits, academic disciplines, lifestyle stuff...What?"

When it comes to the goals of this blog, I'm of course particularly interested to have you consider what you're doing in and with your dating life? It's a fact that what you are doing there has (absolute) implications for literally all of those other things! So how do you believe the stuff you do and think and expect in that interpersonal realm of your dating is in your personal best interests long-term?

I'll come back to that discussion, but unless it's already a well-worn thought path for you, I challenge you to take a leisurely jog along its distance. Follow it "through the woods" and then let me know what you're thinking and what you discover on the way? OK?

Have fun, be safe....and be smart!

Dick