Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Divorced, but the heart still looks for an enduring love?

"It really hurts!" As a general rule it's what people say about divorce Other factors aside, those contributing most to the pain's severity often depend on the length of the relationship before the divorce. Longer marriages often include children, so there are complex and appropriately deliberated considerations with provisions to meet their developing needs. There are also lots of financial and logistical complications and many legal and court-related issues, schedules, and an array of dizzying assignments.

Nevertheless, with the passage of time divorced partners often begin to think about giving love another try. Men generally venture that direction sooner than women.
Having experienced that kind of pain once, nobody wants to see the hideous jaws of a Divorce Dragon ever again. But remember this: nobody ever expected to face that monster when they began their first marriage either! So how is the self-preserving and sincerely good-intentioned guy or gal supposed to dodge the pain-inflicting "critter" that is so obviously capable of this stealth--how can a person prevent divorce from happening again?!

It's frequently been said, "When you sense the right person has come along there's a new willingness to face and take the risk again."
Arm-in-arm couples then do what they believe they can and must do, realistically, to hedge themselves against the troubling risk factors for another divorce.

Here's the short list of tools people routinely employ for this purpose, but I've offered a realistic albeit brief "downside" discussion about these tools, too. My words may be helpful--and sobering.

  1. People generally conclude they have learned things from their experiences in a first (or second, etc.) relationship that can make the next effort more durable. They genuinely believe these "lessons learned"will offer them some helpful and practical insights; they'll provide foundation for a renewed sense of confidence in this "second (or third, etc.,) time around." Actually, second marriages fail faster, 60-75%, than first marriages (40-50%), and third marriages fail even faster, 70-85%. So, research says, "No!"
  2. People tend to bring a "test drive" mentality into their second relationship--especially if they didn't do it in their first relationship . Of course the idea comes straight out of the "Automobiles For Sale" section of the classified ads. The logic behind it seems to work for automobiles, so why not relationships...right!? This reasoning has some apparently good surface logic to it; but it doesn't work. In fact, living together before marriage actually tends to predict a higher likelihood for divorce. It tends to set-up the vary opposite dynamics from what one would expect! Couples who live together before getting married run a 60-75% chance of divorce (compared to the marrying general public's 40-50% likelihood of divorce).
  3. Couples who've been hurt in previous marriage(s) may decide they just won't get married again; but they agree to live together in their own kind of "no fault" situation indefinitely. In this kind of scenario the thinking goes like this: "If we can't work we'll just amicably part company; no harm no foul." Actually that may work for some short relationships, but quite often couples in this category still get hurt, and if the relationship goes on for several years (and many do)....ugh, there's typically more pain! FYI, relationships like these generally come under states' "Common Law" statutes, and depending on the state, judgments are handled down from the bench as if they were marriages. I'll leave the details for how all that can be and feel to your imagination.
Ok, enough of this stuff! So what can good intentioned couples that will realistically hedge their risk in ways that offer better odds for relationship (marriage!) success? I suggest a Smarter Romance. Develop a relationship on the strength of good SR principles using the SR system. SR can give you the information you need and help you acquire the relational insights you want. SR will help you avoid making a decision you will regret...again.

That's it for now. Have fun, be safe, but above all be smart!

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