If You're Looking for a Committed Relationship...

Here are seven questions Smarter Romance will answer for you. If you're looking for a committed relationship, these are the questions you should be thinking about and the ones your dating experiences should be progressively answering for you. It's not too early and just about never too late to start your Smarter Romance adventure:

1. What are you doing or what have you already done to assure yourself you will have a durable and satisfying marital experience? (Be specific!)
2. How are you preparing yourself right now to find the "right" partner for you? (Be specific!)
3. What do you expect your partner will have done to help assure a durable and satisfying marital relationship with you? (Be specific!)
4. What do you believe are the key factors a person must consider when it comes to preparing oneself for a marriage relationship that promises durability and satisfaction? (Please be as specific as you can.)
5. What level of competency must be established around these key factors to realistically assure you that your relationship will be durable and satisfying? (Be specific!)
6. How are you going to know--unquestionably--that you and your partner share these competencies? (Be specific!)
7. How can you practice your marital "crash landing" skills before you get married to insure your confidence in your relationship's survival when things get really tough? (Again, be specific. Can you offer some examples?)

For your information, not one of these questions can be correctly answered with a response like, "We'll live together before we get married." Why? Because it doesn't work. (Click here.)

Let me know what you think about this. Leave your comments, below, or email me at smarterromance@gmail.com. Believe me, if you're looking for a satisfying, committed, long-term relationship--one your children will thrive in and your friends will envy--Smarter Romance dating is what you want today!

Have fun, be safe, and be smart!

Why Should Adolescents Do Smarter Romance Dating?

"OK, so what's in it for me?" It's an absolutely super question! If you're a thinking adolescent guy or gal then you should be asking it--that is if you haven't been asking it already. How does, for example, a 15 year-old self-respecting guy or gal benefit from Smarter Romance dating? Consider this (actually abbreviated) list of ways you can benefit from SR dating...and this list is not in any particular order.

1. SR will help you discover and begin to place greater value on the relationship development process in general--especially between guys and gals.
2. It will help you recognize how friendship and relationship development and maintenance is an acquired skill--a skill you can get really good at!
3. It will help you place a high priority on time-tested values like personal integrity, fidelity, honesty/truth-telling, trustworthiness and dependability/reliability, etc. And the SR environment offers a marvelous place to learn and to practice these.
4. It will support you and teach you how to develop some really good male-female communication and collaboration skills.
5. It will help you clarify some "mysteries" often associated with male-female relationships through your own real-time, dynamic experiences that include cooperative problem-solving.
6. It will help you build on and grow your innate, home-based character qualities and it will reward your appreciation for these qualities.
7. SR will reward and excite you with a sense of pride in shared guy-gal successes and cooperative accomplishments.
8. SR will help you develop greater appreciation and respect for the insight and the constructive input you can receive from other people--like parents, peers, and other genuinely interested adults.
9. It will help you discover "Why?" and it will grow your "Want to" when it comes to placing a high priority on the value and the role of interpersonal accountability in guy-gal friendships and relationships.
10. SR will help you to better know and understand yourself.

There is a lot more that can be listed...but that would probably be b-o-r-i-n-g! You and your date--your SR teammate--are always the direct beneficiaries of your SR process. And oh, there is one thing that is not chronically present with SR Dating: CONFUSION!


So, have fun, be safe, and be smart!

Divorced, but the heart still looks for an enduring love?

"It really hurts!" As a general rule it's what people say about divorce Other factors aside, those contributing most to the pain's severity often depend on the length of the relationship before the divorce. Longer marriages often include children, so there are complex and appropriately deliberated considerations with provisions to meet their developing needs. There are also lots of financial and logistical complications and many legal and court-related issues, schedules, and an array of dizzying assignments.

Nevertheless, with the passage of time divorced partners often begin to think about giving love another try. Men generally venture that direction sooner than women. Having experienced that kind of pain once, nobody wants to see the hideous jaws of a Divorce Dragon ever again. But remember this: nobody ever expected to face that monster when they began their first marriage either! So how is the self-preserving and sincerely good-intentioned guy or gal supposed to dodge the pain-inflicting "critter" that is so obviously capable of this stealth--how can a person prevent divorce from happening again?!

It's frequently been said, "When you sense the right person has come along there's a new willingness to face and take the risk again." Arm-in-arm couples then do what they believe they can and must do, realistically, to hedge themselves against the troubling risk factors for another divorce.

Here's the short list of tools people routinely employ for this purpose, but I've offered a realistic albeit brief "downside" discussion about these tools, too. My words may be helpful--and sobering.

1. People generally conclude they have learned things from their experiences in a first (or second, etc.) relationship that can make the next effort more durable. They genuinely believe these "lessons learned"will offer them some helpful and practical insights; they'll provide foundation for a renewed sense of confidence in this "second (or third, etc.,) time around." Actually, second marriages fail faster, 60-75%, than first marriages (40-50%), and third marriages fail even faster, 70-85%. So, research says, "No!"
2. People tend to bring a "test drive" mentality into their second relationship--especially if they didn't do it in their first relationship . Of course the idea comes straight out of the "Automobiles For Sale" section of the classified ads. The logic behind it seems to work for automobiles, so why not relationships...right!? This reasoning has some apparently good surface logic to it; but it doesn't work. In fact, living together before marriage actually tends to predict a higher likelihood for divorce. It tends to set-up the vary opposite dynamics from what one would expect! Couples who live together before getting married run a 60-75% chance of divorce (compared to the marrying general public's 40-50% likelihood of divorce).
3. Couples who've been hurt in previous marriage(s) may decide they just won't get married again; but they agree to live together in their own kind of "no fault" situation indefinitely. In this kind of scenario the thinking goes like this: "If we can't work we'll just amicably part company; no harm no foul." Actually that may work for some short relationships, but quite often couples in this category still get hurt, and if the relationship goes on for several years (and many do)....ugh, there's typically more pain! FYI, relationships like these generally come under states' "Common Law" statutes, and depending on the state, judgments are handled down from the bench as if they were marriages. I'll leave the details for how all that can be and feel to your imagination.
   

Ok, enough of this stuff! So what can good intentioned couples that will realistically hedge their risk in ways that offer better odds for relationship (marriage!) success? I suggest a Smarter Romance. Develop a relationship on the strength of good SR principles using the SR system. SR can give you the information you need and help you acquire the relational insights you want. SR will help you avoid making a decision you will regret...again.

That's it for now. Have fun, be safe, but above all be smart!

Dating and Courtship Are Inherently Complicated

Should anyone expect their first date and the relationship it develops to lead to marriage? There are two answers to that question: a real one and an ideal one. But there is also a flock of complicating factors to that answer that jump into the air like startled birds. They flit back and forth between the realistic answer and the ideal one.

Nobody wants a complicated dating process. For sure nobody wants it to be too emotionally challenging or, God forbid, painful! So I suspect we would all be quick to agree generally good intentions are behind the desire people have for the IDEAL dating experience. Keep in mind, however, this kind of thinking is pretty much the same stuff that could have pushed me to buy a new Ferrari soon after I passed my driver's test at the age of 18. Why didn't I actually do that? It wouldn't have turned out well. A few incidental obstacles like money, no credit history, comparatively little driving skill, escalating insurance--a lot of silly obstacles (those startled birds I mentioned earlier) prevented my acting on my ideal. Aha, reality has something to do with this!

So, what are some of the complicating factors? Consider, for example (with some overlap), your maturity level, the maturity of those around you, your expectations, family expectations and regional expectations and norms, interpersonal competition, religious values and expectations. Add value differences, socio-cultural differences, personality differences, other demographics and life circumstances, or events including surprises and tragedies, etc. That list could probably dribble on through a full page!

There is no special secret, no special prayers, no amazing formulas, no adviser high paid or not paid, no pill, potion, pastor, priest, or parent, etc.--there's no magic tool anyone can employ to uncomplicate the process for "finding the love of your life." Nope, not even, for example, if you employ some amazing razzmatazz internet dating Genie. There are no short-cuts. So, if you are smart (and I know you are because you are reading this blog), you simply need to wisely invest time in the process to discover confident compatibility. It won't just happen; it's an active pursuit!

So, what is the single most promising scenario to help you in a successful dating and courtship process? Yes, it's still complicated, maybe even painful from time to time, but you need to let that be OK. Finding "the love of your life" is wrapped-up in the three things to which Smarter Romance is dedicated: as a team 1.) getting timely, good, and wise counsel, 2.) being dedicated to a plan with perseverance and patience, and 3.) growing a keen self and team-awareness through collaborative, goal oriented experiences.

If you want to know more about Smarter Romance, please drop me a note, Tweet me @SmarterRomance, or mail me through my Facebook page. You can even find me on LinkedIn.

In the meantime have fun, be safe, and be smart!

Running the Bases: Sliding Head-First Into Third!

Are you dating?
Does your dating behavior matter?
Are you, like so many other "players," hitting those high, infield-fly balls, racing around first, and (because of a fielder's error--"thank-you very much!) catching the corner at second to slide safely into third base?!

Let me ask some really basic questions: "What's dating about anyway?" Why do you date and who? How frequently...once a month, twice...once a week or two, three times a week...what? How do you choose? What are your expectations; what do you do; where do you like to go; and who decides? Who approaches who...n'...are there "rules of invitation," who pays for what...why...and..perhaps, what's dating in the big mix of life's "bigger games?"

Last year in an August 20th blog entry I compared dating behavior to a snapshot. I said it's an "in the moment" still picture--of you. Who are you; what do you look like--I mean this from the perspective of people you've dated? I quizzically mused about "tall" people of integrity--or maybe some other kind of person or people of comparatively more questionable integrity than...well...you?

And that kind of inquiry, if you are dating or think you are going to be dating, leads me to make some related observations. For example, we live in this societal age of casual and "comfortable fit," of various forms in "lift" and up-sizing, of gigabytes and werewolf bites; where emphasis is often on stimulating and spontaneity, and on "more" and "longer," and "bigger is better, " and "sick" is exciting and cool! I'm talkin' about hamburgers 'n fries, n' seeing curious couples in tubs, n' jeans, n' flops, n' crocks, about styled undies n' thinner "laps," n' hips, n' wide-screen TV's. Lest we forget, too, how active games are eclipsed by passive gaming--consoles, game boards and joy sticks replace rackets, balls, and neighborhood outside adventures...and as the story goes, we "Wii, wii, wii, wii all the way home." And...if you're a next generation type or a "Y-Gen" ("Millennial"), the newest and fastest work themes you find are, like, "work from home," and driven by "quality of life, " n' by "equal pay for equal work" concerns, and a variety of societal demigods tutored by gymnastical themes of political correctness.

So, that curiously and briefly observed, I think, more now than ever before a dating person needs to ask him or herself, "Who do I want to be?...What's important to me...n' Why? Generational contrasts are to be anticipated. However, there is little question that changes of the past several decades are eroding important gut elements about who we are--or were--as a society and, consequently, about who we really want to be, personally and individually.

Of course I'm referring to slow cultural movements observed in characteristic societal markers, like poverty rates, number of single-parent households, crime statistics, divorce rates, high school graduation rates comparing men and women, etc. Upon close inspection these reveal some fundamental deterioration in who we've been and where we're going now as a society. These statistical markers reflect changes in some important elements of our cultural soul that, by general agreement, have historically contributed to make us--as a society-- a tall, handsome, muscular, athletic, and respected member of the global community. Frightfully, now, we're becoming the shadow of our former "self;" we are served anxiously and temporarily by our historical reputation. All of us, parts of the contemporary societal whole, are both influenced by and potentially influencing this continued deterioration--this cultural slide.

So, I ask, who are you? If you're a teen, a young adult, or a seasoned vet now returning to the dating game again, when it comes to something as supposedly innocent and insignificant as your dating behavior (yes, you're just one person among so many millions), are you a "Giver, Taker, or some Other Kind of..." romancer? Are you lucky and s-l-i-d-i-n-g? Believe me, it matters--and a lot more than you may want to know or believe!

Revisiting those original questions I asked, above, "What's dating about anyway?" Why date and who does it? How frequently...once a month, twice...once a week or two, three times a week...what? Who do you date and how do you choose? What are your expectations; what do you do; where do you like to go,and who decides? Who approaches who...or...are there "rules of invitation," and who pays for what...why? I challenge you to make all those questions fit into a package and a purpose for you that's about your personal character development and future success--"muscle building" and personal growth of the HIGHEST ORDER. Believe me, it is contagious--a good infection that our entire Western society needs to be re-exposed to--and catch! Ker-chew! You'll be glad you did; you'll accrue handsome and tall benefits for the rest of your life.

That's Smarter Romance for now. Be good. Be safe. Be smart!

Dick

For the Parents of Dating or "Wanna-Be" Dating Teens

Let's face it, there really is a lot about the contemporary dating scene that makes parents of dating teenagers nervous. For moms and dads with dating-aged children, nervousness quickly becomes an "occupational hazard." Just rehearse, for example, some of the provocative themes and posturing featured in any given week's television sitcoms---ugh, there's justified angst for sure! If you're like me, you can painfully picture your Johnny or Suzie dating "like that" and you pray, "Oh God, help us!"


So, what else do you do? Consider some helpful suggestions:

• Don't let em date until their "old enough" (whatever that means?)! Check out this helpful site and let me know what you think. (Click)
  
• "Sign them up" and require their card-carrying commitment to a local "Why Wait" support group--or maybe you can help start one! (It's a great resource that I can heartily recommend. This specific connection (above) is through Inter Varsity Christian Fellowship.)
  
• Introduce your teens to "Wait Training." It can help you help your teens to prayerfully co-enlist some similar and over-lapping commitments to the variety of collaborative concepts and principles "out there" for dating and courtship.
• Invest yourself in the resources of your local church. You're not alone when it comes to answering these questions and identifying some helpful resources. If your church does not offer resources of this nature, I suspect there are churches in your area that do. Discuss this with your pastor or priest. Churches and pastoral teams will often work collaboratively to support congregational needs, so make your inquiries.
• If your teens--or maybe you--are not church oriented per se, review the resources you will find through, for example, Smart Marriages and various national consortium (like Parents For Parents). I offered a site, above, but here it is again....(Click).
  
• Finally, keep in mind that these very helpful programs and resources, for the most part, will not necessarily provide your teen a routine dating paradigm. Please permit me to be painfully realistic here. The world around them, as frustrating as this may be for parents, will still try to provide that paradigm for your teens--and they will remain very tempted to buy into it! Consequently, you can help them get the customizing tools they need--tools that will help them confidently mold their dating attitude, expectations, and habits around their personal (and sometimes peculiar?) styles and values. That's huge...and it's what Smarter Romance is all about.

Right now the manuscript, Smarter Romance, is available to you as a PDF ($15). I will email it to you at your request. (You'll find a description of its contents...click here.) I am available for seminars and tutorials. Call and/or email me. I'm happy to help.

Helen Keller had it right when she said, "Many persons have the wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose."

OK. That's Smarter Romance for now. Remember, you can help your teens have fun, be safe, and be smart.

Dick
email: smarterromance@gmail.com

Sorting Those Exciting and Confusing Male-Female Attractions

There's some insight in the old adage, "Birds of a feather flock together." Quite generally it's true and predictive that people who share the same values, interests, and styles will live, work, and be around one another in comparative harmony. But that's not to dismiss the value found in mixing peoples' styles, interests, and values for the way the differences can create alternative outcomes to upgrade a perspective, grow motivation, and enhance effectiveness.

Team building experience and related research clearly offers some healthy lessons around the value and merit of a good people-mix. For example, teams' dedication to a shared goal and a commitment to collaboratively achieve that goal can realize some very gratifying results--e.g., a Super Bowl win, a marketing coup, a political victory, etc.

The goals of a team are generally well and tightly defined and achievable. But it remains somewhat obvious that outside the dimensions distinguishing a team's goal its various members still live separate lives. They often have very different life interests and ambitions.

Team members value and genuinely need this kind of autonomy for its capacity to respect who they are individually beyond the interpersonal dynamics and skills that serve the team's goals. That's to say the dynamics and skills that generally serve their team commitment are not sufficient in themselves to identify or define the individual members outside of the team context. They remain different "birds" albeit they worked well together serving a specific time-limited goal.

When we watch the social interactions of men and women it often appears true that "opposites attract." However, as true as this can be on the surface it does not promise a wise or durable relationship. All too often men and women highly attracted to one another choose to pursue or expand a relationship based solely on their shared attraction. Again, and frequently just as often, those decisions prove disappointing and painful.

As was discussed above, there's little doubt that opposites can work both well and constructively together to achieve shared goals. However, when it comes to long-term male-female relationships involving the dynamics of an emotional intimacy, things can become arguably more complicated.

So, Smarter Romance similarly incorporates a team commitment and a project focus to serve interpersonal and character development goals in dating. But we've "tweaked" the team concept for the sake of helping couples evaluate what may become important longer-term considerations. In the SR context couples cooperatively dedicate themselves to their own customized and shared sets of goals. Their SR Team goals actually focus outside of the teammates' immediate relationship.

Collaboratively dedicated to their own projects, dating partners can quickly and better discover who they are as men and women. Then, they can similarly determine if there's any real potential for a constructive and enduring friendship---or if there's any potential for a future satisfying and lasting love with that developing friendship.

A Smarter Romance helps you from your very first date! SR helps you create a wise and effective environment for constructively managing a date and, maybe, a developing relationship. Then if your team relationship "works" for you, you'll be able to assess, as a team, the wider ranging and complex compatibility questions that can naturally develop.

Until next time...have fun, be safe, and be smart!

Dick

(Comment below or email me at smarterromance@gmail.com)