Outside-In or Inside-Out Dating Relationships?

I've observed how there are basically two ways couples tend to do a dating relationship. Dating relationships develop outside-in or inside-out. They may also be something of a combination of the two. I can tell you right up front that the major difference between the two styles is determined in the way the dating couple becomes physically and/or sexually involved with each other or not. Remember these are broad generalizations, but please consider their merits and tell me what you think.

"Outside-In" dates tend to constructively involve other people--other couples, friends, family members, colleagues and associates, fellow students, etc. These relationships find dating couples doing things that are out in the open; non-secretive. Their dates and developing friendship has a crisp, lightweight feel to the bystander. The dating couple exude an inclusive mutually shared enthusiasm. Their energies radiate a feeling that's celebratory, a message that seems to suggest something like, "Come have fun with us." They cooperatively plan the things they do and their planning becomes a valuable part of their dating experience. Their dates can have a subtle, positive influence on the people around them, i.e., their family members, friends, co-workers, etc., and they collaboratively discuss their experiences for the value such discussion has to help them understand and appreciate, or not, the merits in their continuing the dating relationship.

"Inside-Out" styled dates tend to get predictably and quickly focused on the couple's "one another" experiences. Other people may be included in their dates, but increasingly their presence becomes a tool to initiate their own together time. To the familiar bystander the dating couple's friendship begins to feel exclusive and detached from other people; it may feel heavy and awkward, a "three is a crowd" kind of feeling to friends or family members. Planning is generally and increasingly an unimportant element in their dating experiences since apparently "just being together" is all they really seem to want. Since alone time appears to be one of their constant and major objectives on a date, other people may not be positively or memorably influenced by the dynamics of their developing relationship. Their conversation and discussion, an important pass-time for their early dates, is decreasingly important and marginally meaningful unless it promises future time together doing what they want to do, i.e., being together.

Because both good intended (and not so good intended) men and women initiate dating relationships that start "outside-in," it's muting to the relationship's growth dynamics when their dating behavior turns "inside-out?" There are ALWAYS big downsides to that event.

I'm going to follow-up on this discussion in the next blog.

So until then be safe, have fun, and be smart!

Practice Makes Perfect

A person's ability to experience continued success or consistently provide dependable quality is generally developed slowly over time. Consider a few things that teach us the truth in that principle: fine wine, musical and dramatic talent, athletic skill and sports prowess, artistic perfection and craftsmanship, writing skill, speaking skill, character development, etc.

Men and women who have demonstrated great success in the sports world were already passionately invested in their sport as early as three years old. Just to name a quick few I think of Lindsey Vonn, Michael Jordan, Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods as some classic examples. The skills they began to learn at that early age were practiced repeatedly along with the mental focus and emotional disciplines required to support their lofty achievements.

Those of us who are "not stars"have a gut sense that the physical tools and the supporting mental and emotional disciplines to make the stars famous are products of much personal sacrifice. Certainly we are right! Nevertheless, when it comes to life's successes in general, we often expect quick results at the things we do that are far outside any spotlight. We so quickly forget the principle: One's ability to experience continued success or to offer predictably dependable quality is developed slowly over time.

Smarter Romance (SR) is committed to exactly that principle. Relational skill and relational wisdom-- basic ingredients to what SR is all about-- is slowly learned in the growth of interpersonal skills over time. SR helps you create a dating environment that builds on your accumulating successes. Your dating relationships will grow lasting friendships, whether or not the initial dating relationship goes any farther than just a few events.

If you're an SR participant, you will learn things about yourself and about your date that invariably build your insight, challenge for character growth, and sharpen your interpersonal skills. For example, if you start practicing SR when your in your teens, you'll be a "star" to somebody special when at some time in your distant future you're seriously looking for your "Mr." or "Miss Right."

That's just the way it works...it's a Smarter Romance promise!

Until next time have fun...and be smart.

STD's and Pointing The Light?

Yup. Its a Maglight setting on a library stool.

I've been intrigued with flashlights since I was a kid. For me there's always been something about them that is nearly supernatural. Having one in my hand as a boy made me feel like a superhero; I was powerful!

So today I've got my share of flashlights. I've got big ones and small ones, lights that are awkward to carry and some that let me forget I've got one tucked into my pocket. They're all part of what some suggest is my "collection." But that's not really the way I think of it, although I've got a few including flashers and lasers in red and green!

Flashlights do pretty much one thing: they put light where you point it in the darkness. So what's the connection between that idea and Smarter Romance?

You won't have to read very far into the manuscript, Smarter Romance (soon to be available), to hear discussion around how being sexually active in a dating relationship puts the brakes on it's (and your) emotional development. That's the way it works, one of those not so well-advertised facts.

But here's another not so well-advertised fact: There are over 90 million people in the United States infected with Sexually Transmitted Diseases (That's an average of one person in every four!) Can you venture a guess at the average ages of those people infected with STDs in the USA? You probably guessed correctly and women are particularly at very high risk! Overall, our nation has a rate of infection that is THREE TIMES the rate of other so-called developed countries.

Given the dating behavior of contemporary Americans all around you, Smarter Romance will help you build the kind of personal and character strengths into your dating routines and relationships that are comparatively SUPERNATURAL!

So, might I suggest that a flashlight, for kids, is a powerful tool to give them feelings of "supernatural" ability, but Smarter Romance is the real thing. It's WOW powerful; it can actually change people's futures!

Till next time be safe, have fun, and be smart!

Confused Duck

We've got a duck in our hen house. A sadly confused duck. He's the only non-chicken in there; he doesn't know he's "not a chicken."

OK. As you know, Smarter Romance specifically targets the dating and courtship experience. For those of you married men and women who follow this blog and/or who may be in roles to support and encourage couples' relationships...I offer the following humble recommendation:

Just a short time ago I ran across what I think is the very best book on marriage I've ever read, and I've read and followed a few of them. From my perspective, Dr. Gary Thomas' Sacred Marriage stands up head and shoulders above all the rest. Gary writes candidly about his own marriage experience and growth, introduces all kinds of valuable first-hand, historical, and biographical illustrations, and he speaks from his heart integrating what the Bible really says about marriage. He touches what we all experience personally, see all around us relationally, and face culturally on a daily basis--as men and women.

He appeals to the real citizenry of Christian men and women.

Gary is conceptually, theologically, and realistically ON TARGET! If you've not found this gem already, I heartily suggest you get it and read it with your wife or husband. I believe it will be a blessing of major influence for your and those you influence. It's already been a great blessing and a source of deep encouragement to Judi and I.

A couple things (tongue in cheek of course): 1.) Gary Thomas is a graduate of and an adjunct professor at Western Seminary (one of my fellow alums!), so he's coming from a rock solid background (just like me...ha). 2.) He lives in the Pacific Northwest, AKA God's country, so that makes him just that much more " a really special person" (again, just like me...ha, ha).

As is the case with so much of life's experiences "we're all in this together," but many times we forget; we're not chickens." It may be that we're just so completely chicken to act like one.

Till next time...have fun, be smart, and let's help other people know how to do that relationally, too.

smarterromance@gmail.com

The Holidays Are Golden

You can find a relationship defining gold mine in the holiday season. If you've been dating the same person for a while, and you think this person is pretty special, whether your 16 or 60, the holiday season is your opportunity! Of course everybody is just a little different so there's bound to be some variation around this theme:

"People are a lot like clocks."

The gears in a hand-tooled clock create their own special working environment. Taking some gears out of one to replace worn out parts in another may sound logical, but it can actually be a bad idea. The custom working system of the one may not be compatible with the working environment in the other.

Everybody grows up in a family environment that's like the gears in the old clock. We can't just assume that "...since we're so much alike," we'll work well together! Our old family system, the "old clock," may not be compatible to allow it to work in the "new clock."

So, buy into an opportunity the holidays can offer to help you check it out. You can use them to help you sample the compatibility of your "old" family environments with what you're developing, potentially, as a new shared one. Also, don't let what's probably a normal fear around meeting and spending time with your special person's parents and family members rob you of this opportunity.

Here are some helpful "gear evaluation" questions:

1. (Before the event) Are you both comfortable with this opportunity? Discuss how and why you feel what you are respectively feeling.
2. (Before the event) How comfortable are your families with this opportunity? Discuss how and why you believe they are or are not comfortable.
3. (After the event) How much effort do you feel family members made to help you feel included? Discuss how and why it may have felt that way.
4. (After the event) If you had opportunity to personally contribute to the overall experience with his/her family, what was that like, how did it happen, and what were you feeling in the process? Discuss that, too.
5. (After the event) Overall, discuss what you feel this experience tells you about the potential compatibility of your different "gears," and what you believe is your likelihood for working well together.
   

OK. That's it.

Until next time...be yourself, have fun, and be smart!

.

What to do...what to do?

Are you standing there wondering what to do for your next date? Take the pressure off!
Agree that for your next date you'll get together just to plan something...something you can wrap several future dates around together...something that will require pooling your talents and skills to accomplish...something you'll both remember well into the future!

Of course we all know every dating event has a built-in goal and an agenda of some kind that serves the goal.

Dating agendas can be simple or complex. They can also be constructive or destructive. Constructive agendas tend to support friendship--whether the relationship goes anywhere long-term or not. Destructive agendas are often predatory and manipulative. They predict short-term relationships that don't end happily or with any kind of warmly memorable or meaningful friendship.

For starters, and as a general rule, people like to talk about themselves. Somebody once told me that the author and journalist Earnest Hemingway put that fact into practice. He never missed an opportunity to get some good biographical information. That's to say, if a person had the good fortune to casually meet Mr. Hemingway, whether on a street corner waiting for the traffic light to change or waiting for an elevator to pass the time otherwise counting down the floors, he would warmly and curiously ask some biographical questions. He asked about their business, about where they grew up...maybe questions like, "Tell me about your family, do you have brothers and sisters, what are your favorite diversions, skills, interests, dreams, and your greatest successes or disappointments...", etc? I understand he'd interject things about himself throughout the conversation, too. Hemingway had a constructive people-agenda. His comfortable familiarity--and his informal style with the people around him--won many friends and acquaintances.

Through the first few dates with the same person, let me encourage you to tailor your agenda in the Hemingway style. I expect you'll be doing more than just standing on the street corner or in an elevator, so build your "Hemingway" posture around these four thoughts:

1. Friendship is built on mutual respect. A feeling of mutual respect opens the door to interpersonal communication and mutual sharing.
2. Friendship is built on a sense of genuineness. In new relationships, genuineness is felt, then it's confirmed or dis-affirmed over time.
   
3. Mutual respect and felt genuineness (sincerity) contribute to openness and self-disclosure and they build a sense of commonality. People feel the most comfortable with and are attracted to others with whom they sense they share common experiences, interests, and desires--Aha, closeness!
4. A growing sense of closeness is good, but closeness for closeness sake is a dead end...and it can be relationally dangerous! So, the best way to determine the appropriateness in a developing sense of male-female closeness is to plan together and then do some cooperative projects. Projects done collaboratively will tell you whether or not growing your closeness is a good idea. Some examples of simple projects might include volunteering your cooperative time...planning a surprise birthday party for a mutual friend...planning and cooking a meal for some mutual friends...cooperatively "dog sitting" a friends pet.
   

When your next few dates are focused around some project you've decided to do together you won't have any difficulty deciding how you should spend your time, figuring what to do next, or considering how to pay for it. You've already made that decision easy and you're well on your way to having some great and relationally informative fun!

Till next time...Be yourself. Have fun & be smart.

SEX: Just One Part of Your Romantic Attraction

Guys and gals differences often, curiously, pulls them together. For starters, guys and gals often don't think the same about the same thing. It's a fact! Consider a few examples:

• Boys and girls learn differently
• They tend to view people differently
• They tend to socialize in different ways and for different reasons
  
• They may be interested in the same employment--even the same jobs for that employer--but for definably different reasons
• They tend to want some of the same things from a love relationship, but for very different reasons and driven by different priorities
• They process information differently and often with different levels of efficiency--of course depending on the information and the nature of the environment
  
• In their own homes or residences they tend to attach very different expectations to and have different priorities for its physical/spiritual environment

OK, so what? You're kidding, right?! If you're going to make any sense of your dating experience at all you've got to know these things! Even a modest understanding of the differences in the way guys and gals think, and why, can step you in a very different direction with you date. It can make the experience you share a lot more memorable and--if you want--a lot more potentially repeatable! Remember a Smarter Romance is all about shared, meaningful experiences.

Till next time...be yourself, have fun and above all, be smart.